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[JOTD] Joke of the day

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Abacaxi
In a shoe shop:
These shoes might be tight for the next two weeks.
- Don’t worry. My intention to start wearing them only on the third week. 

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leapinlizards

@Karlston;

 

I am out of reactions for the day.

 

that looks like my walk home from the pub.

 

cheers

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aum

During the American Civil War, a particular captured Confederate soldier was a hard man to handle.

Constantly, in his soft drawl, he would say, “Anyway, we beat the hell out of you sniveling Yankee dogs at Fredericksburg.”

 

The Northern sergeant in charge could not punish the impertinent prisoner as he would have liked because there was a drive on at the time to make sure that prisoners were treated humanely. Finally, however, he could stand it no more.

 

He marched the prisoner out with a squad of soldiers and said, “Listen, you damned Reb, I don’t care if it means my court-martial, but I’m going to have you shot if you don’t swear allegiance to the United States.”

The prisoner, weighing the murder in the sergeant’s eyes, swore allegiance.

 

“Now,” said the sergeant, “you did this before witnesses. You’re a loyal American. If I hear any snide remarks about the American Army, you’ll be a traitor. It may be against the articles of war to shoot prisoners, but it’s perfectly all right to shoot traitors.”

 

The ex-Confederate soldier thought about that for awhile, then he said, “Okay, sergeant, but ain’t it a stinking, filthy shame what them damned rebels did to us Yankees at Fredericksburg?”

 

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J WACKO

Two mates were talking over a pint of beer.

“What’s wrong, Jack, you don’t look so good,” said Bob.

“It’s this bloody toothache, been driving me mad, I just can’t get rid of it.”

“Well, maybe I can help you there. I had a toothache a couple of months ago and believe it or not my wife gave me a blow job and I was cured.

Why don’t you try it?”

“Thanks, Jack, I’ll have a go.

Will your wife be home tonight? 🤗

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Karlston
32.jpg

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Karlston
OCAU3a.jpg

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Abacaxi

Resultado de imagem para Funny Pictures

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Karlston
20b.jpg

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win10

An elderly man thinks his wife is losing her hearing so he calls their doctor. The doctor tells him "We need to figure out how bad her hearing is. Using a normal tone, talk to her at various distances until she can hear you."

That night the man decides to try this. He estimates he is sitting about 30 feet from his wife and asks her, "What's for dinner?"

He hears nothing so he moves a little closer; about 20 feet away. He asks her again, "What's for dinner?" Still nothing.

Finally, he gets right next to her and asks, "What's for dinner?"

She finally hears him and responds "For the third time, chicken!"

 

 

 

A faith healer visits a small town. During his healing session a man with crutches approaches him, "Ever since I was a boy I couldn't walk without these, can you heal me?"

The healer yells back, "All that believe will receive! Go behind the curtain."

Another man approaches him, "F-f-f-fix my st-st-st-stutter?"

The healer yells back, "All that believe will receive! Go behind the curtain."

The healer starts praying and yells, "Drop your crutches!" He continues to pray and yells, "Now tell us in a clear voice, how do you feel?"

The man replies, "The f-f-fucker f-f-fell on his f-f-f-f-face."

 

 

 

A motorist is speeding down the road when he is pulled over. The officer tells him, "Sir do you realize how fast you were going?"

The motorist replies, "Yeah I know, but I have to go."

The cop interrupts him, "Not so fast. You're going to have to wait for the chief to get back in a few hours."

The cop immediately takes the man to jail. After a few hours the cop tells the man, "You're lucky, the chief is on his way back from his daughter's wedding, he'll be in a good mood."

The man replies, "I doubt it."

The cop snaps back, "Why do you say that?"

The man replies, "I'm the groom!"

 

 

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win10

Not a joke but riddles

 

When is 99 more than 100?

Spoiler

A microwave.Generally when you run a microwave for '99' it runs for 1 minute and 39 seconds. '100' runs for 1 minute.

 

What asks but never answers?

Spoiler

An owl!

 

What tastes better than it smells?

Spoiler

A tongue.

 

What loses its head in the morning and gets it back at night?

Spoiler

A pillow.

 

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Karlston

OCAU8.jpg

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Karlston

OCAU1b.jpg

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Karlston

OCAU10.jpg

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Karlston

All of his life Len from British Columbia (Canada) had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.

 

So when Len's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Len stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned!

 

Corky just managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Len went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake, like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

 

Granny looked Len straight in the eyes, and said, "Because, you idiot, your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, you were born in July."

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teodz1984

A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher and a rabbi fish in a lake. The preacher has to use the bathroom, so he walks across the water, does his business and walks back. Then the rabbi has to go, so he walks across the water, does his business and walks back.

The Catholic has to go, but when he gets out he falls into the water. He swims back, gets back into the boat, and says, "God, let me walk across the water." He tries again and falls into the water, swims back, tries again and falls again.

The Baptist leans over to the rabbi and asks, "Do you think we should tell him where the stepping stones are?"

Edited by teodz1984

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Karlston
Out of written jokes, hope some funny pics will suffice...
 
7.jpg

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Karlston

Probably won't do a lot for tourism... :)

 

19.jpg

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Karlston

DID YOU KNOW...

 

There is a species of antelope that can jump higher than the average house.

 

This is due to its powerful hind legs and the fact that the average house cannot jump.

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