[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Karlston]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.

 

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

 

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.

 

He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

 

The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

 

There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard.

 

Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

[Abacaxi]

Knock knock
Who's there?
Mary
Mary who?
Mary me and I'll love you forever!

[Karlston]

9 hours ago, Abacaxi said:

Knock knock

 

You obviously like knock knock jokes. Me too, keep them coming.

 

I like trying this Irish knock knock on people...

 

Me: Have you heard the Irish knock knock?

Them: No.

Me: Well, say "knock knock"

Them: Knock knock

Me: Who's there?

Them: <confused>

Me:

Edited March 13, 2019 by Karlston

[moopster]

Hospital humor from the US:

 

As I was admitted the hospital for a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist, saying "I'm going to give you a bracelet."
"Has it got Rubies and Diamonds?" I ask coyly.
"No," he said. "But it cost just as much."

[Karlston]

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

 

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

 

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

 

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

 

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

 

The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."

[moopster]

Did you hear about the drummer who gave his daughters the same names?
Anna 1, Anna 2, Anna 3, Anna 4.

[Karlston]

Irish Sawmill Accident

 

Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.

 

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

 

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".

 

Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

 

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.

 

So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital..

 

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".

 

And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.

 

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.

 

Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.

 

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."

 

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in."

 

"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.

[moopster]

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
 

John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird’s vocabulary.
 

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

 

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
 

Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
 

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

[Dce3480]

55 minutes ago, moopster said:

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
 

John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird’s vocabulary.
 

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

 

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
 

Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
 

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

GooD eOne !

[Karlston]

From the late, great, US comedian George Carlin:

 

“I want to live my next life backwards: You start out dead and get that out of the way.

 

Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day. Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

 

You enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

 

Then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

 

You work 40 years until you're too young to work.

 

You get ready for high school: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.

 

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.

 

Then you become a baby, then ... you spend your last nine months floating peacefully in spa-like conditions – central heating, room service on tap, then ... you finish off as an orgasm.

 

I rest my case!”

[vitorio]

52 minutes ago, Dce3480 said:

GooD eOne ! 

I would say extraordinary! Since take me a little time to get it. But once I saw, in my mind, a big baked turkey in the freezer voila!

Edited March 15, 2019 by vitorio

[Abacaxi]

Knock Knock

Who’s there?

Water.

Water who?

Water you doing? Just open the door!

[Abacaxi]

My dog is a awesome fashion adviser.  Every time I ask him how do I look in my clothes, he says:  W O W  !

[Disco Bob]

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and drinks about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police... I'll let them decide who's fault it is."

[Karlston]

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut? The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.' The guy left but did not return that day.

 

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?' The barber Looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.' The guy left and again, did not return that day.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut? The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half.' The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back later.

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,

'Your house!!..

[Abacaxi]

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Watson.
Watson who?
What’s on tv tonight?

[nOkialpha]

*Think beyond the sex*

Facts:

1) A man's balls hold up to 6 shots of semen.
2) Each shot contains around 500 million sperms, thus a man's balls holds like 3 billion sperms.
3) Each sperm has 37MB of DNA information in it. Therefore it follows that balls contain over 10TB of data!
4).An average ejaculation lasts 3seconds, during which the penis transfers over 1.5TB of data. This means a transfer rate of over 500GB/s.

And you boast that Airtel internet at 100mbps is the fastest ..

My friend,, we are walking servers..

This post is for Information purposes ONLY.
Do not plug your ORGAN in any computer for verification.

[Karlston]

The police came to my front door the other night holding a picture of my wife.

The Constable said “Is this your wife sir?” Shocked I answered “Yes”.

They said “We’re afraid it looks like she’s been hit by a bus”.

I said “I know, but she has a lovely personality & she’s good with the kids”.

[moopster]

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

 

The circus owner tells them: I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

 

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.

 

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life," He then turns to the young man and asks, "can you top that?"

 

The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

[Threepwood]

The sweater my wife gave me was picking up static electricity, so I went to the store to change it.
They gave me another one, free of charge.

 

 

 

 

 

What do you call a 3.14m long snake?
A πthon.

[Threepwood]

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Lazy.

 

 

 

 

I read that 9 out of 10 are bad at math.

I'm glad I'm one of the other 1%.

 

 

 

 

There are only three kinds of people...
Those who can do math and those who can't.

 

 

 

 

I broke my finger last week.

On the other hand, I'm okay.

 

 

 

 

My friends all claim that I’m the cheapest person they ever met.
I don’t buy it.

Edited March 17, 2019 by Threepwood

[Karlston]

WHY MEN ARE ARE OFTEN LESS DEPRESSED THAN WOMEN:

 

• Men Are Just Happier People – what do you expect from such simple creatures?
• Your last name stays put.
• The garage is all yours.
• Wedding plans take care of themselves.
• Chocolate is just another snack...
• You can never be pregnant.
• You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
• You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
• Car mechanics tell you the truth.
• The world is your urinal.
• You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
• Same work, more pay.
• Wrinkles add character.
• Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental – $100.
• People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
• New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
• One mood all the time.
• Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
• A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
• You can open all your own jars.
• If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
• Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
• Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
• Everything on your face stays its original colour.
• The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
• You only have to shave your face and neck.
• You can play with toys all your life.
• One wallet and one pair of shoes — one colour for all seasons.
• You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
• You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
• You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
• You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

[moopster]

Paddy O’Doul went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.

 

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'

 

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's'

 

Soon thereafter, Shawn O’Grady entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession.  I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'

 

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?''A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied. 'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.

 

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was a tight fitting sequined green and very short affair, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

 

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat in the front pew with her legs spread ever so slightly apart, but just enough for the priest and altar boy to realize she wasn't wearing her nickers under that shiny sleek dress. The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'

 

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think that’s just a reflection from her shoes'.

[Karlston]

Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

 

Woman: How many beers a day?

 

Man: Usually about 3

 

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

 

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

 

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

 

Man: About 20 years, I suppose

 

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?

 

Man: Correct

 

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

 

Man: Correct

 

Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a new Ferrari?

 

Man: Do you drink beer?

 

Woman: No

 

Man: Where's your Ferrari?

[Abacaxi]

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Nobel...

Nobel who?

No bell, I knock