[JOTD] Joke of the day

[Karlston]

For years I have known this Irishman, Mick. Every year, once a year he would order 4 pints at once and drink them all.

 

After a few years, my curiosity got the better of me and I asked him why.

 

He told me about his three brothers and they all went to separate parts of the world. As an anniversary, they agreed to have four pints each on a specific day and drink them all as if they had all done rounds and were still drinking together.

 

Well, this went on for years but recently I saw him with only three pints. I went up to him and asked politely if one of his brothers had passed away.

 

"Oh no, it is just that I have given up the drink meself, so can't have one any more."

 

---

 

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning ” Windows frozen” ………..

Husband texts back, “pour some luke warm water over it”………………….

 

Wife texts back “computer completely stuffed now”

[Disco Bob]

So the Pope is SUPER early for his flight.

He asks his driver on his way to the airport if he could drive around for a while because they have time to kill and he hasn't driven a car since becoming the pope.

Naturally, he's a bit rusty, so he's driving poorly, when suddenly he sees police lights behind him. He pulls over and when the officer comes up to the window his eyes go wide. He says to the pope "Hold on for a minute," and goes back to his car to radio the chief.

Cop: "Chief we have a situation. I've pulled over an important figure."

Chief: "How important? A governor or something?"

Cop: "No sir. He's bigger."

Chief: "So, what? a celebrity or something?"

Cop: "More important, sir."

Chief: "A major politician?"

Cop: "No sir, he's much more important."

Chief: "WELL WHO IS IT!?"

Cop: "Well actually I'm not sure. But the pope's his driver."

 

 

NASA was preparing for the Apollo project.

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder.

After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message.

Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man's message was: "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."

[Karlston]

I bought a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom.

 

I can barely walk but when I fart the room smells lovely

 

---

 

A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'

 

'Really,' answered the neighbour. 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'

 

---

 

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[Disco Bob]

120 One liners :)

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

“Every time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, ‘The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

“I’ll call you later!”- “Please don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

“My dad literally told me this one last week: ‘Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

“Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, ‘No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: “Wow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

“Me: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: ‘Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

“I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

“How can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

“What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.

Where did the one-legged waitress work? IHOP!

What happened when the two antennas got married? Well, the ceremony was kinda boring, but the reception was great!

What did one snowman say to the other one?  “Do you smell carrots?”

How do you make a tissue dance?  You put a little boogie in it!

Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice container?  It said concentrate!

If your nose runs and your feet smell, you are built upside down!

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.

Q: How do you organize an outer space party? A: You planet.

Q: What do you call a belt with a watch on it?A: A waist of time.

What kind of shoes does a thief wear? Sneakers

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.

Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t I’ve cut off your arms!”

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved.

“What’s ET short for? Because he’s only got little legs.”

Why do crabs never give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.

What do you call an Argentinian with a rubber toe? Roberto

“What do you call a man with no nose and no body? Nobody nose.”

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fshhhh.

“What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in front of your door? Matt.”

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.

Without geometry life is pointless.

A termite walks into a bar and asks “Is the bar tender here?”

I gave all my dead batteries away today… Free of charge.

I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

I am terrified of elevators. I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.

What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

A red and a blue ship have just collided in the Caribbean. Apparently the survivors are marooned.

I’ve deleted the phone numbers of all the Germans I know from my mobile phone. Now it’s Hans free.

Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

Q: What did daddy spider say to baby spider? A: You spend too much time on the web.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra.

Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah.

Bicycles can’t stand on their own, they’re two tired.

Just watched a documentary about beavers… It was the best damn program I’ve ever seen.

Breaking news! Energizer Bunny arrested – charged with battery

“How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.”

A Sandwich walks into a bar, the bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve food here”

“Doctor, I’ve broken my arm in several places” Doctor “Well don’t go to those places.”

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

“Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? 
Because he was a little horse!”

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Slept like a log last night … woke up in the fireplace.

“We were getting fast food when the lady at the window said, ‘Any condiments?’ My dad responded, ‘Compliments? You look very nice today!’”

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

A police officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other one off.

I’m reading a book on the history of glue – can’t put it down.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up.

I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.

What did the daddy tomato say to the baby tomato? A: catch up!

Q: What’s 50 Cent’s name in Zimbabwe? A: 400 Million Dollars.

Q: What did baby corn say to mama corn? A: Where’s popcorn?

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

So a duck walks into a pharmacy and says “Give me some chap-stick… and put it on my bill”

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road? To go with the traffic jam.

Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bay-gulls!

“Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.”

What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

How do you make a hankie dance? Put a little boogie in it.

Where does batman go to the bathroom? The batroom.

What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5000 miles

A man walks into a bar and orders helicopter flavor chips. The barman replies “sorry mate we only do plain”

: Commissar! Commissar! The troops are revolting! Commissar: Well, you’re pretty repulsive yourself.

What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.

I knew I shouldn’t have ate that seafood. Because now I’m feeling a little… Eel

What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt.

Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.

Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have nobody to go with.

Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

What kind of magic do cows believe in? MOODOO.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

“Hold on, I have something in my shoe”  “I’m pretty sure it’s a foot”

Dad I’m hungry … “Hi hungry” I’m dad

When phone ringing Dad says ‘If it’s for me don’t answer it.

“I asked my dad for his best dad joke and he said, ‘You.’”

Where’s the bin? Dad: I haven’t been anywhere!

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: “Don’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: “No, it’s a math problem.”

[vitorio]

It is really a long list. Long, long, ..........................long.

[Disco Bob]

23 minutes ago, vitorio said:

It is really a long list. Long, long, ..........................long.

I should of spaced or numbered them hahaha , afew jokes to keep going :)  

[Karlston]

A woman stopped by at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

 

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

 

"What are you doing?!" she asked.

 

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work" the daughter-in-law answered.

 

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

 

"This is my love dress" the daughter-in-law explained.

 

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

 

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress" she explained "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me".

 

The mother-in-law left.

 

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on some romantic music, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.

 

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

 

"What are you doing?" he asked.

 

"This is my love dress" she whispered sensually.

 

"Needs ironing" he said. "What's for dinner?"

 

Neighbours say they heard a gunshot...

Edited February 28, 2019 by Karlston

[Disco Bob]

9 hours ago, Karlston said:

"What are you doing?" he asked.

 

"This is my love dress" she whispered sensually.

 

"Needs ironing" he said. "What's for dinner?"

Classic lol ......

[Disco Bob]

There was a cat by the lake and a sausage came floating by the cat put its paw in and wet its paw. Then a few minutes later a bigger sausage came floating by and the cat fell in.

 

The moral of this story the bigger the sausage the wetter the pussy.

 

 One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story....

The next day Billy tells his story....

"My dad fought in the Vietnam war, his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more, but the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands"

 

 

 Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story....Billy replies, "Yeah... don't mess with my dad when he's been drinking A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my penis and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

 

Moral of the Story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

 

 A priest was driving along and saw nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing the habit to open and reveal a leg. The priest looks and nearly has an accident, and after changing gear lets his hand slide up her leg.
She immediately says, "Father, remember Psalm 129".
The priest says sorry and removes his hand but is unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on when he changes gear and has ogled at her leg for the zillionth time he lets the hand slide up the leg again. The Nun once again says,
"Father remember Psalm 129".
Arriving at the convent the nun gets out and the priest goes on his way. Once he arrives at his church he rushes to the bible and looks up Psalm 129 and it said, "GO FORTH AND SEEK, FURTHER UP YOU WILL FIND GLORY"

Moral of the Story: In your job should always be well informed or you may miss a great opportunity.

 

 

 

[Karlston]

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass."

 

"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?

"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

 

---

 

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house --.

 

Mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever.

You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint.

You have your old work clothes on.

You know the outfit — shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes.

 

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Bunnings to get something to help complete the job.

 

Depending on your age you might do the following:

 

In your 20's:

Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.

Check yourself in the mirror and flex.

Add a dab of your favourite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

 

In your 30's:

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes.

You married the hot chick so no need for much else.

Wash your hands and comb your hair.

Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it.

Add a shot of your favourite cologne to cover the smell.

The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

 

In your 40's:

Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.

Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands.

Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Bunnings

Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.

The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

 

In your 50's:

Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.

Change shoes because you don't want to get dog cr*p in your new sports car.

Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt any more because it makes you look fat.

The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.

Then you remember the hat you have on is from Gold Coast's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'

 

In your 60's:

Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore.

Hose the dog cr*p off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.

You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.

The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

 

In your 70's:

Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Bunnings until the Chemist has your prescriptions ready, too.

Don't even notice the dog cr*p on your shoes.

The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch.

 

In your 80's:

Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again.

Now you remember you need to go to Bunnings.

Go to K-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for.

Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name.

You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

 

In your 90's & beyond:

What's a bundings ? Something for my garden?

Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading?

[vitorio]

This is the reality of life!

[Karlston]

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again....back and forth...back and forth...in and out...in and out.

 

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

 

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted, "OK, OK, I can't park the bloody car! You do it, you SMUG bastard!"

[Karlston]

Hotel Fight:

 

A gentleman rings down to the reception desk from his hotel room:

Gentleman: Concierge, I need your assistance, my wife and myself are having a tremendous fight, she is threatening to jump out the window!!!

Hotel Manager: Sir, that's a personal matter which the hotel doesn't want to get involved in.

Gentleman: No, the window won't open and that's a maintenance issue!!!

 

House Fight:

 

Husband and wife are fighting, the wife shouts "Get out, piss off, take your stuff, I never want to see you again!!!"

The husband starts gathering his things, and walking out the door when the wife says "I hope you die a slow and horrible death!!"

 

The husband stops and replies "So you want me to stay now?"

[moopster]

The Engineer had just returned from a week long seminar. His boss, instead of asking about the details, asked if were sick as he looked absolutely terrible. 
"Well..." said the Engineer, "I met this blonde and turned out she was an engineer-in-training and wanted me to tutor her. One thing lead to another and we ended up back in her room having wild gorilla sex all night." 
"OK," replied the boss, "that may explain your fatigue, but why are your eyes so red?" 
"Well..." said the Engineer, "turns out she was married and had a baby at home. She started crying, and I started thinking about my own wife and kids, so I cried too."
"I see," chided the boss, "but that seminar ended Friday. How come you still appear so ragged?" 
"Well..." said the Engineer, "you can't sit there and cry 4-5 times a day for four days and not look like this."
 

[Karlston]

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors.

 

After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.

 

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.

 

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

 

The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was keying case notes.

 

"What the hell is the matter with you?!" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

 

The younger doctor continued typing and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

 

---

 

I was in a bar Saturday night and I noticed two large women next to me by the bar.

 

They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"

One of them screamed, "It's Wales you idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Ireland?"

That's all I remember.

[Karlston]

My chemistry teacher at school asked me to write 1000 words on acid.

 

Unfortunately, I was unable to complete it as my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted.

 

---

 

The Italian Secret to a Long Marriage

 

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Adelaide (Australia), they have weekly husbands' Marriage seminars.

 

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

 

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

 

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

 

Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."

[moopster]

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply "It could have been worse."

 

To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it. On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom?"
 

"He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"
 

"That's awful," said Frank, "but it could have been worse."
 

"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "could it have been worse?"
 

"Well," replied Frank, "if it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"
 

[Threepwood]

Interviewer: "In your CV, you wrote that you can perform under pressure. Can you give an example?"
Interviewee: "Sure. Mmm num ba de, dum bum ba be, doo buh dum ba beh beh, pressure pushing down on me..."

 

 

 

Did you know that LSD is a really effective weight loss drug?
How are you supposed to eat if there’s a dragon guarding the fridge?

Edited March 6, 2019 by Threepwood

[Threepwood]

The most beautiful woman I've ever seen came up to my table in a restaurant and asked me if I'm single...
I happily replied, "Yess..."

She took away the extra chair in front of me.

 

 

 

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

Edited March 6, 2019 by Threepwood

[Threepwood]

My mom always makes the pancakes too thin.
I shouldn't have to put up with this crepe.

 

 

 

My girlfriend broke up with me because I don’t last long in bed.
I told her, “If you change your mind, call me. I’ll come right away.”

Edited March 6, 2019 by Threepwood

[Threepwood]

What’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
I don’t know. And I don’t care either.

 

 

 

Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

[moopster]

Madge had been lonely for many years after her husband's death. She decided she wanted to get married again. But, she didn't know any eligible men. So she decided to put an ad in the newspaper. The ad contained three criteria:
1. The man would not beat her. (like her previous husband)
2. The man would not run around on her. (like her previous husband)
AND 3. The man was good in bed.
The day after the ad ran, Madge's doorbell rang. When she answered the doorbell, she found a man in a wheelchair. She asked the man if she could help him and he said he was there to respond to the ad. Madge asked the man what ad he was talking about. He said the ad for the Husband. Then Madge told him that there were specific needs in the ad. The man in the wheelchair replied:
1. Look at me, I have no arms, so I can't beat you.
2. I have no legs, so I can't run around on you.
Madge replied, "But there was one more important criterion the ad." The man in the wheelchair then asked: "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

Edited March 6, 2019 by moopster
dupe

[jbleck]

5 minutes ago, moopster said:

I went to the shop the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there was a damn traffic officer writing a parking ticket for over-running the meter.
So I went up to him and said,
"Come on, how about giving a man a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for also having parked partially on the pavement!!
So I called him a son of a mutant pig. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!
This went on for about 20 minutes and the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn.
My car was parked around the corner...
 

a few posts earlier...

 

[Karlston]

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

 

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

 

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

 

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.

[vitorio]

Have to wait until the end to know what happened when the angel brought the tree present to Santa.

Other jokes, since the beginning you know what is going to happen at the end of the story.

This a good one.