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Two Elderly Women

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, neither could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through.

This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us."

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh No! Am I driving?"

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Lost in translation....

 

Wife : Honey before we got married , you used to give me gifts and expensive jewelery.

Husband : Yes...so ?

Wife : How come you don't do it anymore ?

Husband : Have you ever seen a fisherman give worms to the fish after catching it.

Edited by NEW123
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A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear," replied the mother . "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

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Changes in Hell

An engineer died and was mistakenly sent to hell. Fairly quickly, he had redesigned the place. Hell cooled down considerably thanks to the air conditioning he built and installed. The escalators and elevators worked just fine. Manual labor was quickly becoming a thing of the past.

God looked down one day and noticed all the changes. He called down to the devil to ask how these improvements came about.

The devil replied, "That engineer you sent me."

"What engineer? You’re not supposed to have an engineer. Send him back up here!"

The devil’s answer was simple... "No."

"If you don’t send that engineer back right now, I’m going to be very angry. In fact, I’ll sue you!"

The devil replies, "And . . . where are you going to get a lawyer?"

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Anna: Did you hear that a baby was fed on elephant's milk and gained twenty pounds in a week.

Ben: That's impossible. Whose baby?
Anna: An elephant's.

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BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER

Dear Wife,

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.

Your 
EX-Husband

P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

——

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,

Your Ex-Wife,

Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem!

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A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

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Status update...

 

Sleep with an open window tonight! 

1500 mosquitoes like that. 730 mosquitoes commented on it. 314 mosquitoes shared this. 

One mosquito invited for the event. 2379 mosquitoes will be attending the event.

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A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband: “My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!”
 
Psychiatrist: “Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.“

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“You know how it is in life. One door closes – that means another door opens…”
 
“Yeah, very nice, but you either fix that or I’m expecting a serious discount on that car!


 

Edited by NEW123
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I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. 

So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?” 

One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!” 

So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?” 

That’s about as far as I remember.

Edited by NEW123
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I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That’s 7 years in a row now.

Edited by NEW123
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Little Johnny asks his father: 
"Where does the wind come from?"
-
"I don't know."

"Why do dogs bark?"
-
"I don't know."
-
"Why is the earth round?"
-
"I don't know."
-
"Does it disturb you that I ask so much?"
-
"No son. Please ask. Otherwise you will never learn anything."

=============================

 

 

 

Two guys are out hunting in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t appear to be breathing, his eyes are glazed over. The other man pulls out his phone with trembling fingers and calls 911. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" 

The operator says "Please stay calm. I will help you. First of all, let's make sure he's dead."
 
 There’s a silence, then a gun shot. The guy gets back on the phone and says "OK, now what?"

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Q: Is Google a he or a she?
 
A: A she, no doubt, because it won‘t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas.

 

_____________________________________

An optimist sees light at the end of a tunnel and thinks it’s an exit. 

A pessimist sees light at the end of a tunnel and assumes it is an onrushing train. 

The train conductor sees two stupid guys staggering on train tracks.

Edited by NEW123
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Job interview in a psychiatry: 

So you’re interested in working with us. What is your experience with mentally disturbed people?
-
I’ve been on Facebook for 5 years now.
-
Very good, the job is yours.

______________________

A woman caught her husband on the weighing scale, sucking in his stomach.
 
“That won’t help you, Joe, you know?”

“Oh it helps a lot,” says the man, “it’s the only way I can see the numbers!”

Edited by NEW123
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Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. But she notices four legs instead of two peeking from under the blanket! 

Seized by a fit of rage, she reaches for the baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket until the screaming stops. 

Still in shock, she lurches to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Oh welcome home darling," he says, "your parents came for a visit, so I let them have our bedroom. I hope you said hello."

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A guy leans closer to his wife. „Can you keep a secret?“ he whispers to her.
-
“Sure I can,” says the wife, becoming curious.
-
“That’s good,” whispers the man again, “so can I.” 

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Peter comes very drunk home late at night. He wakes his sleeping wife: “Emily wake up! You know what just happened!?”
-
“No”, she replies sleepily.
-
“I went to the toilet and the light switched on all by itself. And when I went out of there, the light switched off again without me having to do anything. I think I’m getting super powers!” 
-
Emily replies groans: “Oh no, Peter! You pig, you just peed into the fridge again!!!”
 

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A police officer stops a minivan full of elderly ladies being driven by an old gentleman because they’re only going 25 mph, stopping the mid-day traffic. 
-
The policeman asks the driver why is he going so slow.
-
“Well that’s the speed limit, isn’t it! There was a sign saying 25 and everything!” the driver defends himself.
-
The policeman sighs, “No, sir, that’s the number of the highway you’re on. It has nothing to do with the speed limit.”
-
“Oh, so that’s what it means…” says the driver, looking shocked.
-
The officer looks at the rest of the van and notices the grannies are looking somewhat frozen and stiff.
-
“What’s up with the ladies?” he asks the driver.
-
“Um…” the driver scratches his head, “you see, we just got off highway 150…”

Edited by NEW123
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Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree.

Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella.

Walnut: I look exactly like a brain.

Banana: Man, can we change the topic please?
 

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Late one night a robber wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Scandalized, the man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!" "Oh! In that case," smiled the robber, "Give me MY money!"
 

 

Edited by NEW123
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☠️An almost hysterical man calls 911 and yells, "Please come quickly! Kailey is pregnant and her labor started now, it’s really intense!"
 
"Is this her first child?" asks the operator.
 
"No you dumbass! It’s her husband!"

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