[JOTD] Joke of the day

[kenzhin]

The Poor Box!

 

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, “I almost had an affair with another woman.”

The priest said, “What do you mean, almost?”

The Irishman said, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”

The priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.”

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, “I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!”

The Irishman replied, “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!”

 

 

The Silver Night Bar!

 

Norman comes home utterly drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely angry.

“Where the hell have you been all night?” she demands.

“At this unbelievable new bar,” Norman says. “The Silver Night Bar. Everything there is silver. It’s got huge silver doors, a silver floor, the works – even the urinal’s silver!”

The wife still doesn’t believe her husband’s story, and the next day checks the internet, finding a place across town called The Silver Night Bar. She calls up the place to check her husband’s story.

“Is this The Silver Night Bar?” she asks when the barman answers the phone.

“Yes it is,” barman answers.

“Do you have huge silver doors?”

“Sure do.”

“Do you have silver floors?”

“Most certainly do.”

“What about silver urinals?”

There’s a long pause, then the woman hears the barman yelling, “Hey, Steve, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!”

[jiski]

A Yogi Joke:

 

Q. What did the yogi say to the sandwich vendor at the ball game?

 

A. Make me one with everything!

 

After the man received his sandwich, he gave the vendor a $20 bill. The vendor just smiled. The man, infuriated, demanded, "Where is my change."

The vendor replied, "O, one with everything, change comes from within."

[jiski]

An aspiring Yogi wanted to find a Guru. He went to an Ashram and his preceptor told him: You can stay here but we have one important rule - all students observe Mouna or vow of silence. You will be allowed to speak in 12 years. After practicing for 12 long years Yoga Asanas, Meditation, a lot of Karma Yoga, etc., the day came when the student could say his one thing or ask his one question.

He said: "The bed is too hard."

He kept going for another 12 years of hard Sadhana and austere discipline and got the opportunity to speak again. He said: "The food is not good."

Twelve more years of hard work and he got to speak again. Here are his words after 36 years of practice: "I quit."

His Guru quickly answered: "Good, all you have been doing anyway is complaining."

 

[jiski]

One day Nasrudin saw a strange-looking building at whose door a contemplative Yogi sat. The Mulla decided that he would learn something from this impressive figure, and started a conversation by asking him who and what he was.

 

"I am a Yogi," said the other, "and I spend my time in trying to attain harmony with all living things."

"That is interesting," said Nasrudin, "because a fish once saved my life."

The Yogi begged him to join him, saying that in a lifetime devoted to trying to harmonize himself with the animal creation, he had never been so close to such communion as the Mulla had been.

When they had been contemplating for some days, the Yogi begged the Mulla to tell him more of his wonderful experience with the fish, "now that we know one another better."

"Now that I know you better," said Nasrudin, "I doubt whether you would profit by what I have to tell."

But the Yogi insisted.

"Very well," said Nasrudin. "The fish saved my life all right. I was starving at the time, and it sufficed me for three days."

 

[kenzhin]

The Holes And Man!

 

A man strolls into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some condoms.

She asks, ”What size please?”

”Good question,” he replies, ” I’m not sure,”

”Tell ya what. Right outside, there’s a fence with three holes in it, stick your dick in the holes and tell me which one it fits in,” suggests the lady.

So he takes her advice, goes outside and puts his d**k in the first hole. A woman walks past, see’s his dick and starts feeling it.

The man thinks, ”Hey, this ain’t too bad.”

Then he puts his dick in the second hole, another woman walks by, and gives him a blow job. At this point, he is literally blown away.

He quickly shoves his dick in the last hole, and yet another woman walks by, and she starts to shag him.

After they are done rocking, he high-steps it back inside and goes to the counter.

The assistant asks ”What size then?”

“Forget the condoms,” says the man, “how much for the
fence?”

[kenzhin]

April!

 

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me,

April, who created the universe?” When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. “GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April and the teacher said, “Very good” and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Saviour,”

But, April didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. “JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April and the teacher said, “very good,” and

April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. “What did

Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, “IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!”
The Teacher fainted.

 

 

[Vdogeek]

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Hatch.

Hatch who?

Bless you.

 

[Al_Fh]

Jim, Scott and Alex are tired after traveling all day and check into a hotel. When they get to reception, they find out they'll have to walk 75 flights of stairs to get to their room because the elevator is out of order. Jim suggests that they do something interesting to pass time while they walk the 75 flights. Jim will tell jokes, Scott will sing songs, and Alex will tell sad stories. So Jim tells jokes for 25 flights, Scott sings songs for 25 flights and Alex tells sad stories for 24 flights. When they reach the 75th floor, Alex tells his saddest story of all, "Guys, I left our room key at reception."

[luisam]

THE WIFI PASSWORD

 

- Could you tell me the Wi-Fi password?

- You should buy something

- OK. Give me a coke. How much?

- 1 dollar

- Ok. So, now can you tell me the Wi-Fi password, please?.

- You should buy something, in low-case, without spaces

 

Edited March 16, 2018 by luisam

[kenzhin]

The Oracle!

 

A medieval oracle, prophesied to a king that his favorite woman would soon die.

Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was outraged at the fortune teller, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman’s death. He summoned the oracle and gave her this command: “Oracle, tell me when you will die!”

The oracle realized that the king was planning to kill her, immediately, no matter what answer she gave. So she said, finally, “My king, I do not know when I will die. I only know that whenever I die, you will die two days later.”

 

 

[kenzhin]

Good Manners!

 

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners and asked her students the following question:

“Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”

Michael said, “Just a minute I have to go pee.”

The teacher responded by saying, “That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?”

Sherman said, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”

“That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?”

“I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment?, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.”

The teacher fainted…

 

 

[jiski]

Stephen Hawking does stand up comedy

 

 

 

[kenzhin]

Sleeping in Class!

 

A teacher fell asleep in class and a little naughty boy walked up to him,

Little boy: “teacher are you sleeping in class?”

Teacher: “No I am not sleeping in class.”

Little boy: “What were you doing sir?”

Teacher: “I was talking to God.”

The next day the naughty boy fell asleep in class and the same teacher walks up to him.

Teacher: “young man, you are sleeping in my class.”

Little boy: “No, not me sir, I am not sleeping.”

Angry teacher: “What were you doing?”

Little boy: “I was talking to God.”

Angry teacher: “What did he say?”

Little boy: “God said he never spoke to you yesterday.”

 

 

[kenzhin]

Teacher!

 

A teacher asks her class, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on little Johnny. He replies, “None, they all fly away with the first gun shot.”

The teacher replies, “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”

Then, Little Johnny says “I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied “Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone”

To which Little Johnny replied, “The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.” 

 

 

[Vdogeek]

A little boy looks at his mum at a wedding and says, “Mummy, why is the girl dressed all in white?” 
His mum answers, “The girls is called a bride and she is in white because she’s very happy and this is the happiest day of her life.” 

The boy nods and then says, “OK, and why is the boy all in black?”

 

 

[kenzhin]

Ice Cream!

 

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don’t forget.

They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. “You might want to write it down,” she said. The husband said, “No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream.”

She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. “Write it down,” she told him, and again he said, “No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream.”

Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. “Write it down,” she told her husband and again he said, “No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top.”

So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon.

The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, “Where’s the toast?”

 

 

[Vdogeek]

Tonight I dreamt of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach.
 
At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning.

[kenzhin]

I Know The Whole Truth!

 

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

 

 

[Vdogeek]

Girl: So, how many times a day do you shave?

Man: Well, about 15-20 times every day.

Girl: My god, are you some kind of crazy?

Man: No, I’m a barber.
 

[kenzhin]

Government!

 

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her students to ask their parents what the government is.

When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.

His dad thought for a while and answered, ”Look at it this way: I’m the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.”

”I still don’t get it” responded the Little Johnny.

”Why don’t you sleep on it then? Maybe you’ll understand it better,” said the dad.

”Okay then…good night” said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother’s crying. He went to his baby brother’s crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent’s room to get help. When he got to his parent’s bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn’t there. So he went to the maid’s room. When he looked through the maid’s room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ”OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!”

 

 

[Vdogeek]

Sometimes I drink water - just to surprise my liver......Bwahahahahaha!

[kenzhin]

Porsche!

 

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot. So he went to the lady’s house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche.

“Wow!” the man said. “Can I take it for a test drive?” Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady’s house.

“Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?”

“My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money.”

 

 

[Vdogeek]

Would you cheat on your wife?

On whom else would I be cheating?!

 

DunDunDun

[kenzhin]

The Cabbie!

 

Returning home a day early from an out-of-town business trip, a man caught a taxi from the airport shortly after midnight. On the cab journey, he confided to the driver that he thought his wife was having an affair. As they pulled up outside his house, the businessman asked the driver: “Would you come inside with me and be a witness?”

The driver agreed, and they both crept into the bedroom. The man then turned on the lights, pulled the blanket back and, sure enough, his wife was naked in bed with another man.

In a jealous rage, the businessman pulled out a gun and threatened to shoot his wife’s lover. “Don’t do it,” she pleaded. “This man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the new car I bought you for your birthday? Who do you think paid for our new boat? Who do you think paid for the deposit on this house? He did!”

His mind in turmoil, the husband looked over at the cab driver and asked: “What would you do in a case like this?”

The cabbie said: “I think I’d cover him up before he catches cold.”

 

 

[Vdogeek]

Three guys are stranded in a desert. By a stroke of luck, they find a magic genie lamp.

 The genie grants each of them one wish. 

The first guy wishes to be back home. Wish granted. 

The second guy wishes the same. Wish granted. 

The third guy says, "It feels very lonely here now, I wish my friends were with me…” Wish granted.