[JOTD] Joke of the day

[NEW123]

A Mind- block ???

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.❤
(O.M.G.!)?

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.?
(Bloodyyyyy..... pig.) ??

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.(Creepy. But I'm still not over the pig. ?)

Banging your head against a wall looses 150 calories an hour?
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work) ?

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.⚽
(30 minutes..bloody pig! Can you imagine?)?

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.?
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond? ?

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.?
(I still admire the pig...quality over quantity)?

Butterflies taste with their feet.?
(Something I always wanted to know.) ?

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.(Hmmmmmm..) ?

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.?
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?) ?

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump?.
(Still... the pig)?

A cat's urine glows under a black light.?
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?) ?

An ostrich's eye? is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that)?

Starfish have no brains. 
(I know some people like that too.)??

Polar bears are left-handed.(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)??

Humans? & dolphins ?are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)?

You've smiled at least once, so spread these crazy facts & send to someone you want to smile....

Bloody pigs!!!!! ?

Edited January 28, 2018 by NEW123

[NEW123]

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Australia is an expensive country but the civic services are of the best standards.

 

Once a family from Kanpur(India), was on holidays in Australia.
Apart from his wife and two children, this man from Kanpur was also accompanied by his old age father.

 

They were traveling on one of the express ways. 
This Indian Family was in their car and was followed by a Local Aussie Lady, driving at a safe distance.

 

Suddenly the Aussie Lady saw a head of an old man coming out of the window and vomiting blood.

 

She took a quick action and informed the 911 for help.
In no time, there appeared an Air Ambulance Helicopter.

 

The well trained staff quickly shifted that old man on the stretcher. Oxygen supply started. Doctors started examining him. Sometime later, the old man was declared safe and fit to travel again. 
Kudos to Quick Help and Well Done The Aussie Lady.

 

But, for these services, our Kanpur Hero had to pay US$ 3500.
With these unplanned heavy financial charges, the Kanpur man was in shock and he blasted on his Old Aged Father : " How many times have I told you not to spit gutkha out of the car window?"

[NEW123]

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Men, mostly are one of the three types....

1. European

They have a wife and a girlfriend, but they like their wife more.

 

2. American

They too have a wife and a girlfriend, but they like their girlfriend more.

 

3. Indian

They have a wife and four girlfriends, but they like their mother more.

 

Good heavens....

But wait, there is even one more category...

 

4. Arabian

They have four wives and one girlfriend, but they like their camel, the most.

WALLAH HABIBI...

Edited January 28, 2018 by NEW123

[NEW123]

Brilliant article, though not a joke, just couldn't resist sharing.. a bit lengthy but worth a read.. 

 

Ducks Quack, Eagles Soar

 

I was waiting in line for a ride at the airport in Dubai. When a cab pulled up, the first thing I noticed was that the taxi was polished to a bright shine. Smartly dressed in a white shirt, black tie, and freshly pressed black slacks, the cab driver jumped out and rounded the car to open the back passenger door for me.

He handed me a laminated card and said: 'I'm Abdul, your driver. While I'm loading your bags in the trunk I'd like you to read my mission statement.'

Taken aback, I read the card. It said: Abdul's Mission Statement:
To get my customers to their destination in the quickest, safest and cheapest way possible in a friendly environment.

This blew me away. Especially when I noticed that the inside of the cab matched the outside. Spotlessly clean!

As he slid behind the wheel, Abdul said, 'Would you like a cup of coffee? I have a thermos of regular and one of decaf.'

I said jokingly, 'No, I'd prefer a soft drink.'

Abdul smiled and said, 'No problem. I have a cooler up front with regular and Diet Coke, lassi, water and orange juice.'

Almost stuttering, I said, 'I'll take a Lassi.'

Handing me my drink, Abdul said, 'If you'd like something to read, I have The NST , Star and Sun Today.'

As they were pulling away, Abdul handed me another laminated card, 'These are the stations I get and the music they play, if you'd like to listen to the radio.'

And as if that weren't enough, Abdul told me that he had the air conditioning on and asked if the temperature was comfortable for me.

Then he advised me of the best route to my destination for that time of day. He also let me know that he'd be happy to chat and tell me about some of the sights or, if I preferred, to leave me with my own thoughts.

'Tell me, Abdul ,' I was amazed and asked him, 'have you always served customers like this?'

Abdul smiled into the rear view mirror. "No, not always. In fact, it's only been in the last two years. My first five years driving, I spent most of my time complaining like all the rest of the cabbies do. Then I heard about POWER OF CHOICE one day."

Power of choice is that you can be a duck or an eagle.

'If you get up in the morning expecting to have a bad day, you'll rarely disappoint yourself. Stop complaining!'

'Don't be a duck. Be an eagle. Ducks quack and complain. Eagles soar above the crowd.'

'That hit me. really hard' said Abdul.

'It is about me. I was always quacking and complaining, so I decided to change my attitude and become an eagle. I looked around at the other cabs and their drivers. The cabs were dirty, the drivers were unfriendly, and the customers were unhappy. So I decided to make some changes, slowly ... a few at a time. When my customers responded well, I did more.'

'I take it that it has paid off for you,' I said.

'It sure has,' Abdul replied. 'My first year as an eagle, I doubled my income from the previous year. This year I'll probably quadruple it. My customers call me for appointments on my cell phone or leave a message on it.'

Abdul made a different choice. He decided to stop quacking like a duck and start soaring like an eagle.

Start becoming an eagle today ... one small step every week..next week... And next...And....

A great Thought..

"You don't die if you fall in water, you die only if you don't swim.

Thats the Real Meaning of Life.

 

Improve yourself and your skills in a different way.

Be an eagle. .not a Duck.

Edited January 28, 2018 by NEW123

[NEW123]

A Worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: 

 

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" 

 

The survey was a huge failure, 

 

In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant, 
In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant, 
In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant, 
In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant, 
In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant, 
In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant,

And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant!

 

?? Very meaningful ..read it again......?

Edited January 28, 2018 by NEW123

[NEW123]

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An uneducated father with his educated son went on a camping trip.

They set-up their tent and fell asleep.

 

Some hours later, the father woke up his son.
Father- Look up to the sky and tell me what you see.
Son- I see millions of stars.
Father- And what does that tell you?
Son- Astronomically, it tells that there are millions of galaxies and planets.

 

Father slaps the son hard and says- "Idiot, someone has stolen our tent"

 

MORAL:
Too much education can spoil our common sense. ??

 

==============================================

Classic....

Wife - I am Going out for 2 hours. Do u want anything...?

Husband - No, That's enough ??

Edited January 28, 2018 by NEW123

[NEW123]

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Some Very Beautiful Examples of Innocence:-

 

 

1.   Author and lecturer, Leo Buscaglia, once talked about a contest he was asked to judge.
The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.
The winner was:
 
A four-year-old child, whose next door neighbour was an elderly gentleman, who had recently lost his wife.
Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old man's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbour, the little boy just said: 'Nothing, I just helped him cry.'
??
 

2.  Students, of class one in a school, were discussing a student's family picture. One little boy in the picture had a hair colour, different from the other family members.
One of the other students suggested that he was adopted.

A little girl said: 'I know all about adoption, bcoz I was adopted..'
 
'What does it mean to be adopted ?', asked another child.
 
'It means', said the girl, 'that you grew in your mommy's heart, instead of her tummy.!'
??

 
3. Whenever I'm disappointed with my life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott.
 Jamie was trying out for a part in the school play.
His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being in it, though she feared he would not be chosen..
  
On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him after school.
Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement..  'Guess what, Mom,' he shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to me..: 'I've been chosen to clap and cheer.'
 ??

 
4.   An eye witness account from New York City , on a cold day in December.
A little boy, about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the road, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering with cold.

 A lady approached the young boy and said: 'My, but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!'
The boy replied:'I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes.'
 
The lady took him by the hand, went into the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the boy.
She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel.
He quickly brought them to her.
 
She took the little fellow to the back
part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet, and dried them with the towel. 
 
By this time, the clerk had returned with the socks.
Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes..
 
She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him. She patted him on the head and said, 'No doubt, you will be more comfortable now..'
 
As she turned to go, the astonished kid caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears in his eyes, asked her:

 

'Are you God's wife.........?'

Edited January 28, 2018 by NEW123

[NEW123]

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I don't want to sound political, but I strongly support a two-party system.
. 
. 
. 
. 
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
 
.
One party on Friday Night and the other on Saturday. ???

[NEW123]

Best Answer given by an Indian Citizen:-

 

My Income Tax return form has been sent back to me because, In response to a question 'Number of Dependents on you?',  I replied :--- 
"97% of population who dont pay taxes, 21 million illegal immigrants, 9,00,000 criminals in over 1382 prisons and above all 544+ MPs in parliament"and 4000 MLA's of states.

 

They said, this is not an acceptable answer.
I am still wondering..... Who the hell did I miss out!!.
???
Dedicated to all income tax payers.

[NEW123]

There are many brave people, who always want to fight & be Adventurous.

 

Some choose 
ARMY
& retire soon...

 

Others get 
MARRIED 
& fight till Death...

 

Let's salute them.!!!?

Edited January 28, 2018 by NEW123

[NEW123]

10 Short Stories......

 

1) She was very excited 
     today, after all the 
     school was re-opening
     after a long summer 
     break. Now, once 
     again, she could start 
     selling stationery at 
     the traffic signal to 
     feed her family.

 

2) She, a renowned artist 
     and a strict mother, 
     often scolded her 6-
     year-old son for he 
     could never draw a 
     line straight. As he 
     breathed slowly into    
     the ventilator, she 
     begged him to make 
     one more crooked line 
     on the ECG.

 

3) "Everyone goes with 
      the flow… but the one  
     who goes against it 
     becomes someone 
     remarkable.” Before I 
     could explain this to 
     the traffic police, the 
     man issued me a fine.

 

4) Their love was 
     different. She was 
     happy every time he 
     kicked her in the 
     stomach. Every time 
     he kicked she loved 
     him more. She waited 
     for the time she would 
     hold her baby for the 
     first time.

 

5) All my toys are yours..!
     Read her brother’s    
     death note.

 

6) They took his father,
     and only returned a 
     flag.

 

7) At 25, I became a 
     mother of one; at 27 I 
     became a mother of 
     two; and today, at 55, I 
     have become a 
     mother of three!  My 
     son got married today,
     and brought home his 
     wife!

 

“Born to rich parents, 
      this boy is so lucky,” 
      exclaimed the 
      neighbors! 
      Somewhere in 
      heaven, three unborn 
      sisters cried.

 

9) “You ruined my career,
      I was supposed to be 
      an Executive Director,”
      she thought to 
      herself.  The little 
      angel held her finger 
      tightly and she forgot 
      everything; A mother 
      was born.

 

10) Once a 5-year-old boy
       was standing 
       barefoot in the 
       shallow water of the 
       ocean. He was 
       repeating the same 
       sentence to the 
       waves – “Even if you 
       touch my feet a 
       thousand times, I 
       won’t forgive you for 
       taking my parents    
       away.

 

_Breath taking! Aren't they?_

10  short stories with deep meanings.

Edited January 28, 2018 by NEW123

[NEW123]

Ten Gurumantras for a Cool 2018:

 

1. Money is not Everything. There's also Mastercard & Visa.?

2. One should Love Animals. They are tasty too.?

3. Save Water. Drink on the Rocks.?

4. Fruits/Salads are Healthy. Leave them for the the Sick.?

5. Books are Holy. Don't Touch them.?

6. Don't Shout in Office. It Disturbs those who are Sleeping.?

7. Love thy Neighbor. But Don't Get Caught.?

8. Hard Work Never Killed Anyone. But Why Take Chances ??

9. Why Do something Today when It Can Be Done Tomorrow by Someone Else.

10. Everyone Should Marry, afterall, Happiness is Not the Only Thing in Life. ??

 

Issued in the public interest

[Vdogeek]

Q. What’s the worst thing about being lonely?

A. Playing Frisbee.
 

 

[NEW123]

On a cold December morning of Chicago, a  wife called her husband and said....

 "The car isn't  starting and the dashboard  is showing the pic of a person sitting on a toilet seat. what should I do?"

 

Puzzled and Worried husband asked the wife to send a pic of the dashboard as he never came across a warning sign of a man sitting on toilet seat.

 

This is what wife sent....??

 

[NEW123]

[NEW123]

WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ !

 

( Passing requires only 3 correct answers out of 10 !! ).

( Only total thicko's will fail !! )

 

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

 

Remember, you need only 3 correct answers to Pass.

 

Check your answers below.

Quote

ANSWERS 

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert

What color is a purple finch? Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course!)

 

What do you mean, you failed ? !!

Me, too...!!!

 

(And if you try to tell me you passed, you lie !!)

 

[NEW123]

This one is really good. Will make you fall off the chairs...

1st Chap: "How was the Interview?"

2nd chap: "It was nice, but in the end, she spoke something, I couldn't understand... "Show me your testimonials."

1st Chap: "Then, what did you do?"

2nd chap: "I doubt, I've shown her the wrong thing..."??

[Vdogeek]

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Yoda lady.

Yoda lady who?

Good job yodeling!

 

[Vdogeek]

"Our restaurant’s snails are world-famous.” 

“I know, one of them’s just been serving me.”

 

[mona]

 

  Mom's spaghetti...

 

[mona]

Sorry for posting here the true fact from Philippines, but the reality really turns out to be funnier than jokes sometimes .  

Do you remember the Super Blue Blood Moon phenomenon that occurred on January 30, 2018 ?

Here is how some Philippines who couldn't afford the blood moon  solved the problem ....

 

 

 

 

Edited February 2, 2018 by mona

[samuelthegreat]

In the morning Tom calls to his boss:
- Good morning, boss, unfortunately I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my both hands and legs hurt, so I'm not coming into work."
The boss replies:
- You know Tom, I really need yBrowse ou today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that.
2 hours later Bob calls:
- Boss, I followed your advise, and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house.

[Vdogeek]

My wife and I have been married for quite a few years and my wife asked me recently to get some pills that would make sure I’d be up to some action in the bedroom again.

I brought home diet pills. Apparently very much not what she meant.

[Chancer]

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole.”

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse, where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.

The bartender said that she was a saleswoman and played the course often.

He approached her and said, “Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I’m in sales, also. What do you sell?”

 

She replied, “If I tell you, you’ll laugh.”

“No, I won’t.”

“Well, if you must know,” she answered, “I work for Tampax.”

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, “See? I knew you would laugh.”

“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a salesman for Preparation H. So I’m still a hole behind you!”

[tao]

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."