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[JOTD] Joke of the day


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Lost in translation....

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat.

He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,”Are there any gators around here?”

“Naw,” the man hollered back, “they ain’t been around for years.”

“Feeling Safe”, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy,”How’d you get rid of the gators?”

“We didn’t do anything,” the beachcomber said. “The sharks got ‘em.”

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3 hours ago, aum said:

Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings...


One by one...


As each relative goes home.

 

The art of hospitality is making guests feel like they're at home, while wishing they were.

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There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

 

After a dramatic pause and precisely six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."

 

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective places.

 

Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?"

 

He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

 

First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

 

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."

 

Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

 

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Buy a Mac I was just having a conversation with someone who is about to buy a Mac. 

I was against it and an argument started. 

I said there were too few people supporting the Mac. 

He responded, "When was the last time you heard of a virus on a Mac?" 

And I said "See, even people who write viruses don't support Macs.":p

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A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower.

 

In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?"

 

The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, " I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's make pretend that we're married."

 

The man says happily, "OK!" AWESOME!"

 

The woman says, "GOOD ....get your own darn blanket!!!"

 

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A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, gulps it down, looks in his pocket then orders another one. 

He gulps that one down, looks in his pocket again, then orders another one.     

He does this about 7 or 8 more times when the bartender finally asks, Every time you finish a drink you look in your pocket. What's in your pocket?     

The man replies, Oh... I have a picture of my wife in there.

I drink until she looks good, then I go home.

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One day our physics professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"

 

"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.

 

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So, how does physics save lives?" he persisted.

 

"It keeps the idiots out of medical school," replied the professor.

 

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A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

 

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.


"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"


The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"


The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the garage.


The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"


He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"


The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."


A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.


"You're finished already?" the husband asked.


"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."


Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.


"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

 

 

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After my son’s team won the soccer tournament, the goalkeeper invited the two of us to a party.
 

Spoiler

It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.

 

----------

 

A couple is on their honeymoon in the Caribbean, and they go into a shop so the husband can get his ear pierced.

 

They walk up to the counter, and the husband says, "I'd like to get my ear pierced to celebrate our honeymoon! How much will that cost?"

 

The shopkeeper replies, "It'll be $20, plus the cost of the earring you get. If that works for you, you can go pick out the earring while I set up to pierce your ear."

 

The couple wanders off to look through the options, when another guy walks in. He's dressed in shabby clothes, has a peg leg, a parrot on his shoulder, multiple piercings, and a sword slung at his waist. He walks up to the counter and asks "Yar, I think it be time to get another set of holes in me ears. How much be it for both?"

 

The proprietor responds, "That'll be $2."

 

The pirate walks away to go find just the right pair of earrings to match up with his existing jewelry.

 

Hearing this, the couple comes back up to the counter and the husband says to the shopkeeper, "Hey, what's the deal? You're charging me $20 for one ear, but that other guy gets both ears for just $2?"

 

Spoiler

The shopkeeper replies, "Well, he's a buccaneer..."

 

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Well, there was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes.

So one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals. 

Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke.

She interrupted him with a shrill announcement,  "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do...I memorized all the state capitals." 

One of the guys, of course, said "I don't believe you.

What is the capital of Nevada?" 

"N", she answered.

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