MagicSahar Posted November 2, 2020 Share Posted November 2, 2020 Karlston, Krinal and scarabou 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted November 2, 2020 Share Posted November 2, 2020 lurch234, Krinal, scarabou and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flash13 Posted November 3, 2020 Share Posted November 3, 2020 lurch234, Karlston, Krinal and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krinal Posted November 3, 2020 Share Posted November 3, 2020 It is the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the centre of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, miraculously neither driver is hurt. They both get out. One is a doctor, one is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the police on his cell phone and they say they will be there within 20 minutes. It’s cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts, drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who then puts it away. “Aren’t you going to have a drink?” the doctor says. “AFTER the police get here.” replies the lawyer Karlston, flash13, TrojanK and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post aum Posted November 3, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted November 3, 2020 I asked my phone, "Siri, why am I so bad with women?" She said, "I'm Alexa you moron." TrojanK, Karlston, danielson and 4 others 2 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flash13 Posted November 3, 2020 Share Posted November 3, 2020 lurch234, Karlston and scarabou 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted November 3, 2020 Share Posted November 3, 2020 I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”. Spoiler Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”. Krinal, lurch234, Akaneharuka and 1 other 2 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flash13 Posted November 4, 2020 Share Posted November 4, 2020 Karlston, scarabou, lurch234 and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krinal Posted November 4, 2020 Share Posted November 4, 2020 A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.” lurch234, Karlston, flash13 and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flash13 Posted November 4, 2020 Share Posted November 4, 2020 Karlston, scarabou and Krinal 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted November 4, 2020 Share Posted November 4, 2020 In the beginning, God created the bit. And the bit was a zero; nothing. On the first day, He toggled the 0 to 1, and the Universe was. (In those days, bootstrap loaders were simple, and "active low" signals didn't yet exist.) On the second day, God's boss wanted a demo, and tried to read the bit. This being volatile memory, the bit reverted to a 0. And the universe wasn't. God learned the importance of backups and memory refresh, and spent the rest of the day ( and his first all-nighter ) reconstructing the universe. On the third day, the bit cried "Oh, Lord! If you exist, give me a sign!" And God created rev 2.0 of the bit, even better than the original prototype. Those in Universe Marketing immediately realized the the "new and improved" wouldn't do justice to such a grand and glorious creation. And so it was dubbed the Most Significant Bit, or the Sign bit. Many bits followed, but only one was so honored. On the fourth day, God created a simple ALU with 'add' and 'logical shift' instructions. And the original bit discovered that by performing a single shift instruction, it could become the Most Significant Bit. And God realized the importance of computer security. On the fifth day, God created the first mid-life kicker, rev 2.0 of the ALU, with wonderful features, and said "Screw that add and shift stuff. Go forth and multiply." And God saw that it was good. On the sixth day, God got a bit overconfident, and invented pipelines, register hazards, optimizing compilers, crosstalk, restartable instructions, microinterrupts, race conditions, and propagation delays. Historians have used this to convincingly argue that the sixth day must have been a Monday. On the seventh day, an engineering change introduced Windows into the Universe, and it hasn't worked right since. scarabou, flash13, PLASMA and 3 others 2 3 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Abacaxi Posted November 4, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted November 4, 2020 Karlston, syd5237, scarabou and 5 others 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scarabou Posted November 5, 2020 Share Posted November 5, 2020 Two grandmothers were bragging about their precious darlings. One of them says to the other, “Mine are so good at social distancing, they won’t even call me.” Karlston, Krinal, lurch234 and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krinal Posted November 5, 2020 Share Posted November 5, 2020 A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour." The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day." The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?" ."This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that. :biggrin: flash13 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurch234 Posted November 5, 2020 Share Posted November 5, 2020 Krinal, Karlston, flash13 and 2 others 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted November 5, 2020 Share Posted November 5, 2020 Because of COVID I've taken to driving around to building sites and selling hot pies. It's contactless – I've got a sign in the boot; they just take the pie they want and leave me the money. A chunky steak pie is $3; a steak and mushroom is $3.50; a beef and Guinness is $4 and an apple pie is $2.50. Spoiler These are the pie rates of the car I be in. ---------------------------- A priest, a monk and a rabbit all walk into a blood bank. The rabbit says, "I have a feeling that I'm a type O. flash13 and Krinal 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 6, 2020 Share Posted November 6, 2020 A group of butts is walking. The smallest struggles to keep up. “Sorry, I’m a little behind.” flash13, scarabou, Karlston and 2 others 2 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krinal Posted November 6, 2020 Share Posted November 6, 2020 A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined. "You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!" "Oh my gaaad....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!" TrojanK, scarabou, Karlston and 2 others 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flash13 Posted November 6, 2020 Share Posted November 6, 2020 scarabou, TrojanK, leapinlizards and 1 other 2 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scarabou Posted November 6, 2020 Share Posted November 6, 2020 syd5237 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted November 6, 2020 Share Posted November 6, 2020 sandman117, Gheorghita, flash13 and 2 others 2 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flash13 Posted November 6, 2020 Share Posted November 6, 2020 leapinlizards, scarabou and Karlston 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted November 7, 2020 Share Posted November 7, 2020 My wife asked me if I could clear the kitchen table. I had to get a running start, but I made it! Karlston, TrojanK, flash13 and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flash13 Posted November 7, 2020 Share Posted November 7, 2020 leapinlizards, scarabou, Krinal and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted November 7, 2020 Share Posted November 7, 2020 TrojanK, scarabou, Abacaxi and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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