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[JOTD] Joke of the day


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Lost in translation....

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying "T-G-I-F". 

He smiled at her and replied "S-H-!-T". 

She looked at him, puzzled, and said "T-G-I-F" again. 

He acknowledged her remark again by answering "S-H-!-T". 

The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F" another time. 

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-!-T".

The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, T-hank G-od I-ts F-riday; get it?" 

The man answered, "S-orry H-oney, I-t's T-hursday".

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This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things. 

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no, but explained the situation.

Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

  George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.  "Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." 

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. 

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

  George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

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12.jpg

 

And if you spill one of their dancing sandwiches on your lap, that would make it a... :innocent:

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Once there was a retired pirate so he decides to live with his brother. 

The pirate walks up to his brothers house and knocks on the door and his brother answers the door and says, "Oh my gosh , what happened to your hand!?! " 

The pirate said, "I lost it in a sword fight , but now I have a hook." 

Then the brother said, "What about your leg?" 

The pirate said, "A cannonball hit it , but now I have a peg leg ." 

Then the brother said, "Well , what about your eye?" 

The pirate said, "I got some dust in it ."  The brother said, "How could you lose your eye by just getting some dust in it?" 

Then the pirate said, "It was my first day with my hook! ha ha :)

 

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2.jpg

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Jonah and the Whale 

 

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. 

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though they were a very large mammal their throat was very small. 

 

The little girl stated Jonah was swallowed by a whale. 

 

The teacher reiterated a whale could not swallow a human; it was impossible. 

 

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." 

 

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" 

 

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

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Three men want to become agents for the FBI.

After a day of intensive interviews, they are told there is one more test to prove their dedication to the FBI.

The head FBI agent takes the first guy into a private room. He hands him a gun and says, "Go into that room and kill your wife."

The guy says, "No way," and leaves FBI headquarters. 

 

The second guy goes through the same proceedings. He walks into the second room, but on seeing his wife decides that she is worth more than a good job, and he, too, refuses. 

 

Finally the third guy is given the gun and told to kill his wife.

He walks into the second room and six shots are heard. A few seconds later, the head FBI agent hears crashing and banging from the room.

After a few minutes, the guy comes out of the room.

"What happened?" asks the FBI agent. 

"Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks... I had to kill her with the chair." 

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