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[JOTD] Joke of the day


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Lost in translation....

A blind man enters a Ladies bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender: "Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says: "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind - that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blond girl.

2. The bouncer is a blond girl.

3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 160 LB. blond woman with a black belt in Karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blond and is a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is a blond and is a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares: "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times".

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A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home.

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A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours."

The guy leaves.

A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours."

The guy leaves.

A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half."

The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

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A couple was celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary.

For the entire time they had been married, the wife had kept a safe which the husband had never been allowed to look into.

He asked her if, since they had been married so long, he could see what she had been keeping all these years.

She said OK and opened the safe. In it were a pile of money totalling $10,000 and three chicken eggs.

He asked her, "What are the eggs doing in there?"

She said,"Well, I have to admit that I haven't been completely faithful to you. Whenever I strayed, I put an egg in the safe."

He thought about it and said, "Well, I guess I can't be too upset about three eggs. But where did all the money come from?"

She replied, "Every time I got a dozen, I sold them."

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One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.


Bubba, where'd you git that truck?!?"


Tammie give it to me" Bubba replied.


"She give it to ya?


I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a New truck?"


"Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened.


We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres.Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,'Bubba, take whatever you want.' So I took the truck! "


"Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!"

 

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A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. 

Moral of the story: BullSh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..  

 

A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the birdfroze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay here all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. 

 

Morals of the story:

 (1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend. 

(3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

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