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[JOTD] Joke of the day


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Lost in translation....

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

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A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." 

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"  "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "

How about nuclear power?" "OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea." "Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s**t?"

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Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.

God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women.

Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."  Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines.

The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man. 

God got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him!" Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line? 

The man said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."

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A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?' 

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will ne ed to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:     '

You got Male!

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Hello?” 

"Hi Honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?" 

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul." 

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul." 

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now." 

 

Brief Pause. 

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

  "Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy." 

"And what happened honey?" 

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!" 

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?" 

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.

He was all scared and he Jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he Didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the Bottom of the pool and I think he's dead." 

 

***Long Pause*** 

 

***Longer Pause*** 

 

***Even Longer Pause*** 

 

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?" 

 

No, this is 486-5713.....  

 

Sorry, wrong number!!!!!!!!

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A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.

Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.  He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. 

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. 

No one answered. 

"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" 

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.  He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" 

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.  The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. 

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. 

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.  A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. 

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." 

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

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A programmer went to the doctor complaining about wrist pain. The doctor poked and prodded for a while and then issued of a prognosis:


"You have carpal tunnel syndrome, but it's in the early stages. You should be able to continue work, but you should give up half of your programming."


"Which half? Writing memos about it or attending meetings about it?"

 

 

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The 87 year old said; "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."


So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery.As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"


She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"


He said, "I want 5 loaves."


She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...don't you think by the time you get to the 5th it'll be hard?"


He replied, "Holy sh*t ... does everybody in the world know about this Italian bread but ME?!"

 

 

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A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband -- who was a big burly man -- tossed his trousers to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."


She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I cant wear your trousers," she said.


"That's right, said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."


He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. I cant get into your panties!"


She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to stay until your attitude changes."

 

 

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Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

 

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.

 

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike, and the Coopers are having sex."

 

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

 

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

 

 

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