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[JOTD] Joke of the day

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Karlston

From a mate – thought I'd share . . . .

 

• Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem
• I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe
• I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.
• Still haven't decided where to go for Easter ----- The Living Room or The Bedroom
• Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pyjamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
• Home schooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.
• I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone
• This morning I saw a neighbour talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog.... we laughed a lot.
• Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
• My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.
• Day 5 of Home schooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat
• I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?
• I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Livingroom.
• Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.
• Day 6 of Home schooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".... I'm offended.
• Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under.

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Rajeshl

For Sale:

Parachute. Used once, never opened, small stain.

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aum

An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that in order to prolong his life, they should cut out sex.

 

He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.

 

One night, after several weeks of this, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming to die."

 

She laughed and replied, "I was just coming down to kill you!"

 

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Karlston

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aum

A female secretary was helping her new boss set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.


Wanting to embarrass his new secretary a bit and let her know where they stood, he smugly told her to enter 'pen.s.'

 

Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She then almost died laughing at the computer's response:

 

PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH!

 

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Rajeshl

Grandpa, why don't you have any life insurance?"   

"So you can all be really sad when I die."

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Karlston

I picked up a hitchhiker last night.

 

He seemed surprised I picked up a stranger and asked. “Thanks but why’d you pick me up? How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”

 

Spoiler

I told him the chances of two serial killers in one car would be astronomical.

 

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Rajeshl

I’m certain there are female hormones in beer. When I drink too much, I talk nonsense and I cannot control my car.

Source

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aum

"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said the teacher.

 

The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."

 

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

 

"Sure," said the young boy, confidently. "Means carrying a child."

 

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Karlston

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Rajeshl

Scientists have now discovered how women keep their secrets.

They do so within groups of 40.

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aum

A teacher asked her class to write on "What's the bravest thing your dad has done?"


A student wrote... "My dad married my mom."

 

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aum

A guy walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." So she took down his name, address, and medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

 

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

 

A half-hour later, a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." She gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

 

An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." The doctor said, "Where?"

 

He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

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aum

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.


"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."


The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.


"And what if I swallow it?"


"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

 

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aum

An old man went to the college that he went to when he was a youth. He knocked on room number 3 of the hostel and said:


"May I come in. I lived in this very room thirty years ago when I studied in this college".


A young man opened the door and let him in.


The old man examined the room, fondly remembering everything.


He said, "The same old room, the same old wooden table, the ventilator and the same old window that opens to the garden. And the same old bed."


When examining it he found a young girl under the bed.


The young man got alarmed and said, "Don't mistake me. She is my sister. She dropped her ear ring and is searching for it."


The old man said, "And the same old story..."

 

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Karlston

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Rajeshl

Today I went to a barber’s shop for a shave. The barber asked me to put a small wooden ball in my mouth so he could get a closer shave around my cheeks.

I asked: “But what if I swallow the ball?”

He replied: “No problem sir, you just bring it back tomorrow like everybody else.” 

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aum

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"


The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess."


So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"


The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"


The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain it to you."

 

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Karlston

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Rajeshl

A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number.

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aum

Dad, will you help me with my homework?"

 

"I'm sorry," replied the father. "It wouldn't be right."

 

"Well, " said the boy, "at least you could try."

 

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aum

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.


He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.


The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.


The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."


At that Statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.


"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.


The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."


The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.


Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."


"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"


Don't mess with Old People.

   

 

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Karlston

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Rajeshl

A man goes to the lawyer: “What is your fee?”

Lawyer says: “1000 US dollars for 3 questions.”

Man: “Wow - so much! Isn’t it a bit expensive?”

Lawyer: “Yes, what is your third question 

Source

 

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Karlston

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Where can I buy one? :)

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