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[JOTD] Joke of the day


rudrax

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A gentleman entered a busy florist shop that displayed a large sign that read "Say It With Flowers."

"Wrap up one rose," he told the florist.

"Only one?" the florist asked.

"Just one," the customer replied. "I'm a man of few words."
 

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Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?

Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?

Little Johnny: But I asked first!

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Hid my earlier post, it was in poor taste. Apologies...

 

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Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.

"Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."
 

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Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.

Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.

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My daughter wanted to go Goth and paint her toenails really dark.

 

I just lost it and screamed there is no way I would allow that in my house.

 

Spoiler

Apparently, I’m black toes intolerant.

 

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On 7/2/2020 at 10:00 PM, Karlston said:

Hid my earlier post, it was in poor taste. Apologies...

 

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Old Mister Peabody?

 

 

 

:24 seconds in

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A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service,

"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
 

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Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".

Student: I is the....

Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".

Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet

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Doctor says to his patient: "You have cancer and Alzheimer." 

Patient: "At least I don't have cancer."

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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and aftereating,the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we wentout to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'


The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'


The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'


'Do you mean a rose?'


'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man.

 

He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

 

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An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth-control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "Simple. I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."
 

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A secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you."


"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once."


"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You're not sterile."

 

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10.jpg

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f0dddbe08d7f013808e1005056a9545d

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Waiter, I am outraged. There is one hair in my soup. And what do you expect for this price? A whole wig?!

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Joe said, "Know what, Charlie? I killed 5 flies yesterday, 3 males and 2 females."

"How could you tell them apart, Joe? asked Charlie.

"Joe replied, "It was easy. The 3 males were sitting ono a case of beer, and the 2 females were on the phone."

 

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It was the middle of the night. Suddenly there was a loud rapping on the doctor’s door, followed by a groan.

 

The doctor angrily thrust his head out of the window. “WELL?” he shouted.


“No,” moaned the man. “Sick.”
 

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Doctor: Your test results are showing you'll easily live to be 80.   

Patient: But, wait, I am 80 just now.

Doctor: See, I told you to live healthier!

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