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[JOTD] Joke of the day

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aum

A henpecked man got tired of his wife constantly picking on him, so he started playing poker on Friday nights with his buddies just to get some relief. After he came home she'd start right in on him again.


After several weeks went by, he came home early one Friday night about 9:30. His wife asked him how come he was home early. He told her, "You need to pack your bags and go to Herb's house, I lost you to him in the card game tonight."


His wife became furious and started to give him hell. She said, "Just how could you do such a thing!?"


He replied, "It was the hardest thing I ever done... I had to fold with four aces."

 

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aum
Posted (edited)

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."
 

 

Edited by aum

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aum

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included.

 

Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.

 

The police responded with another mailed photo-of handcuffs.

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aum

Yesterday my husband thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen. He sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly.


Today I’m putting a cockroach in the bathroom.
 

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aum

A man says to his neighbor, "I have an extraordinary dog. He brings me the newspaper every morning."


The neighbor responds by saying, "That’s nothing special. Lots of dogs do that."


The man says, "Sure, but I don’t have a subscription."



 

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Rajeshl
Posted (edited)

Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things.

 

Boy: What are the two things?

 

Girl: Your feet.

Edited by Rajeshl

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aum

A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:


"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Colleen has been very difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is. Yes, I know you warned me. I remember you told me that she was evil and would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her. I should have listened to you. You want to speak with her? All right."


He looks up from the phone and calls to his wife in the next room, "Colleen, your mother wants to talk to you!"

 

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Rajeshl

Secretary: “Doctor, the invisible man has come. He says he has an appointment.”   

Doctor: “Tell him I can't see him.”

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Rajeshl

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live." 

Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!" 

Doctor: "Nine."

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aum

Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery. A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions.

 

The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Yankee the job.

 

"Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy, I should get the job!"


The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."


Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"


The manager replied: "Bubba, its like this. On question #4 the Yankee put down; "I don't know." You put down, "Neither do I."
 

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lurch234

A man walks into a doctors office with a bad STD on his privates he caught while traveling in Asia. After looking at the literally decomposing member, the doctor says it has to come off.

 

The man obviously doesn't like the answer and goes to see as many doctors as he can but still getting the same answer. At last he goes to see an Asian doctor.

 

The doctor recognizes the problem right away as Mongolian syphilis.

 

"Do we have to cut it off like all the other doctors said?" the desperate man asks.

 

"Oh No!" The Asian doctor replied.

 

"That's good news" The patient sighs, obviously relieved.

 

"No need to cut off" The doctor continues. " You western doctors are to quick to waste money on operations. It will fall off on its own..."

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jollydan
Posted (edited)

JACKFRUITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

 

2020da930cb5-e384-4543-a55e-cccb01a422b8

Edited by jollydan

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Karlston

31.jpg

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lurch234
40 minutes ago, Karlston said:

31.jpg

 

Does this mean that crabs have to practice social distancing?

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aum

A couple return from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other.


The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.


"Well," replied the man, "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."


"Oh, I shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend, "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"


The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over it though, she gave me $20 change."
 

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Rajeshl

Teacher: Why are you late?

Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.

Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?

Student: No. I was standing on it.

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aum

A soldier was stationed abroad and received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read: "Dear Dave, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent you. Love, Kim."


The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins, etc. In addition to the picture of Kim, Dave included all the other pictures of pretty girls he had collected from his buddies.


There were 43 photos in the envelope along with a note that read: "Dear Kim, I'm so sorry but I can't remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me. Take care, Dave."
 

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Karlston

35.jpg

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Rajeshl

PUPIL: "Would you punish me for something I didn`t do?"

TEACHER:" Of course not."

PUPIL: "Good, because I haven`t done my homework."

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Karlston

19.jpg

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Rajeshl

Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it.

Waitress: Oh, that's okay. The soup isn't hot.

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aum

A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

 

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"

 

"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."

 

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aum

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

 

Dear Bubba:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad


A few days later, he received a letter from his son.


Dear Dad:
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Bubba


At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.


That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.


Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Bubba

 

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Karlston

32.jpg

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