lurch234 Posted June 21, 2020 Share Posted June 21, 2020 One day a priest asks one of his male church member if he wanted to make a donation for his new fund to help the local prostitutes. "Sorry, father" The man replied. "They cost me a pretty penny as it is!" leapinlizards, Pequi, Krinal and 1 other 3 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krinal Posted June 21, 2020 Share Posted June 21, 2020 During a bank robbery, the thief's mask slipped off. He fixed it and asked a hostage, "Did you see my face?" The hostage had, so the thief killed him. He asked the next hostage, same result. After he asked a third hostage, the guy responded, "No, but my wife did." lurch234, Roy786, ghost and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 21, 2020 Share Posted June 21, 2020 ghost, polinom00, flash13 and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Karlston Posted June 22, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted June 22, 2020 A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him." The Project Manager is sitting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped me!" The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!" The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself... Spoiler "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager all at the same time!" aum, TrojanK, leapinlizards and 4 others 1 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Krinal Posted June 22, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted June 22, 2020 A man is at work one day, when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. The man knows his co-worker to be a conservative guy, and is curious about his sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings. ” The co-worker responds sheepishly, “Don’t make such a big deal out of this, it’s only an earring.” The man falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, “So how long have you been wearing one?” The co-worker responds, “Ever since my wife found it in my truck.” leapinlizards, kyber, TrojanK and 4 others 1 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 22, 2020 Share Posted June 22, 2020 Krinal, lurch234, ghost and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krinal Posted June 23, 2020 Share Posted June 23, 2020 Santa, standing on a railway platform, suddenly runs and stands on the tracks. Banta: "Santa, move out of the way! The train is arriving!" Santa: "Haven't you heard the announcement that the train is arriving on the platform?" Roy786 and Karlston 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Karlston Posted June 23, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted June 23, 2020 TrojanK, polinom00, Krinal and 6 others 3 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krinal Posted June 24, 2020 Share Posted June 24, 2020 Boy: if you are smiling send me your smiles - if you are sleeping send me your dreams - if you are crying send me your tears I LOVE YOU! Girl: I am in the toilet what do i send? kyber, Roy786 and ghost 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flash13 Posted June 24, 2020 Share Posted June 24, 2020 ghost, Karlston and Krinal 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 24, 2020 Share Posted June 24, 2020 kyber, Krinal, haris_sane69 and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krinal Posted June 25, 2020 Share Posted June 25, 2020 A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?" TrojanK, leapinlizards, kyber and 3 others 1 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 25, 2020 Share Posted June 25, 2020 In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.' The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?' She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.' The defence attorney nearly died. The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, Spoiler 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair. TrojanK, leapinlizards, kyber and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krinal Posted June 25, 2020 Share Posted June 25, 2020 Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time Mr. Jeffries?" Mr. Jeffries: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening." Karlston and ghost 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 25, 2020 Share Posted June 25, 2020 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krinal Posted June 26, 2020 Share Posted June 26, 2020 I got my girlfriend a “Get better soon” card. She’s not ill or anything, but she could definitely get better. leapinlizards, lurch234, Karlston and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurch234 Posted June 26, 2020 Share Posted June 26, 2020 My wife is a very unappreciative person. She never likes or uses my birthday gifts. Just last year I gave a burial plot... Karlston, Krinal, ghost and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 26, 2020 Share Posted June 26, 2020 A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true. "I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed. The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days." ghost, Karlston and Krinal 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 26, 2020 Share Posted June 26, 2020 TrojanK, lurch234, leapinlizards and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 26, 2020 Share Posted June 26, 2020 A henpecked man got tired of his wife constantly picking on him, so he started playing poker on Friday nights with his buddies just to get some relief. After he came home she'd start right in on him again. After several weeks went by, he came home early one Friday night about 9:30. His wife asked him how come he was home early. He told her, "You need to pack your bags and go to Herb's house, I lost you to him in the card game tonight." His wife became furious and started to give him hell. She said, "Just how could you do such a thing!?" He replied, "It was the hardest thing I ever done... I had to fold with four aces." ghost, leapinlizards and Karlston 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 27, 2020 Share Posted June 27, 2020 (edited) A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked. "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!" "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked. "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man. "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex." Edited June 27, 2020 by aum leapinlizards, ghost and Karlston 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 27, 2020 Share Posted June 27, 2020 A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo-of handcuffs. Karlston and ghost 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 27, 2020 Share Posted June 27, 2020 Yesterday my husband thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen. He sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly. Today I’m putting a cockroach in the bathroom. Karlston, leapinlizards, TrojanK and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 27, 2020 Share Posted June 27, 2020 A man says to his neighbor, "I have an extraordinary dog. He brings me the newspaper every morning." The neighbor responds by saying, "That’s nothing special. Lots of dogs do that." The man says, "Sure, but I don’t have a subscription." ghost, Krinal, leapinlizards and 3 others 1 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krinal Posted June 27, 2020 Share Posted June 27, 2020 (edited) Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things. Boy: What are the two things? Girl: Your feet. Edited June 27, 2020 by Rajeshl lurch234, Karlston and ghost 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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