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A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available.


Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.


Nun: I think that would be okay.


They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later...


Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold.


Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does)


Ten minutes later...


Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold.


Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does)


Ten minutes later...


Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.


Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own blanket.
 

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Lost in translation....

Posted (edited)

On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride, "I have a confession tomake that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship.


"What is it?" his new bride asked lovingly.


"I'm a golf fanatic," he said. "I think about golf constantly. I'll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get.If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win."


His new bride pondered this for a moment and said, "I thank you for your honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The truth is, "I'm a hooker."


"No problem," said her husband, "just widen your stance a little, and overlap your grip, and that should clear it right up."

 

Edited by aum
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So this older guy goes to the doctor asking for a prescription for Viagra. The guy asks for a large dose of the strongest variety. The doctor asks why he needs so much. The guy says that two young nymphomaniacs are spending a week at his place. The doctor fills the prescription.


Later that week, the same guy goes back to the doctor asking for pain killers. The doctor asks, "Why, is your d**k in that much pain?"


"No," says the guy, "it's for my wrists - the girls never showed up!"

 

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A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

 

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.


Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.


The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

 

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.


Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.


Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
 

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A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

 

"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them.

 

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"

 

She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo."

She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words."

 

She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said.

 

"What book did you read?"

 

Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Sh*t."
 

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His girlfriend’s father was interviewing Young Charles.


“So,” said the father, “you want to be my son-in-law, do you?"


“No, not particularly,” said Charles tactlessly, “but if I want to marry your daughter I haven’t much choice, have I?”
 

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I see the problem... the thick speckled cable is unplugged...

 

26.jpg

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"Time separates the best of friends," said one women to another.


"How true," replied the other. "Twenty years ago we were fifteen, now you're thirty-five and I'm twenty-nine!"
 

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A man comes home from working at a pickle factory and he seems troubled. His wife asks him what's wrong and the man says, "Oh, nothing. I just... well... recently I've had an uncontrollable urge to put my p...s in the pickle slicer."


His wife nearly faints, then she blurts out: "Why? You need to go see someone. I'm going to make an appointment with a therapist or someone tomorrow."


The man protests, "No, no. It's fine. Really. I'm not going to do it."


Everything is fine for a few weeks, but then the man comes home early from work and he's pale as a ghost. His wife inquires, "What's the matter? You look terrible!"


The husband tells her, "Well, remember when I said I wanted to put my p...s in the pickle slicer?"


The wife gasps, "You did? What happened?"


The man starts to cry. "I got fired!"


"I don't care about that! Are you okay? What happened with the pickle slicer?"


The man sobs, "She got fired, too."
 

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An older couple wakes up in the morning and the husband looks over at his wife and says, " Wow! You wouldn't believe the dream I had..."

The wife replies, "Yes, go on tell me."

So the husband says "I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married."

The wife says, "Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare."

The husband says, "No, I am sure it was a dream."
 

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Patient: Oh Doctor, I’m starting to forget things.  Doctor: Since when have you had this condition?  Patient: What condition?

 

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There once was a man who was so proud of the fact that he had six kids that he insisted on calling his wife "mother of six."

His wife hated this name and asked him repeatedly not to call her that, but he was a stubborn man and was very proud that he had six kids.

One evening they were at a dinner party for his company and it was getting close to the time that they should be leaving. The husband yelled from across the room over to his wife, "mother of six, are you ready to go?"

Annoyed with his question, she responded, "In a minute, Father of four."
 

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Two donkeys are standing at a roadside, one asks the other: So, shall we cross? 

The other shakes his head: "No way, look at what happened to the zebra."

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Two guys were sitting outside a medical clinic. One of them was crying, tears were pouring down his face.

The other guy asked, "Why are you crying?"

The first one replied, "I came here for blood test."

The second one asked, "So? Why are you crying? Are you afraid?"

The first guy replied, "No. Not that. During the blood test they cut my finger."

Hearing this, the second one started crying.

The first one was astonished and asked the other, "Why are you crying?"

Then the second guy replied, "I have come for a urine test."
 

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I didn't want to be traditional so I renamed the washroom at home from the "John" to the "Jim".

 

Spoiler

I feel so much better when I've been to the Jim in the morning.

 

---

 

f9d42d3081ad01380499005056a9545d

 

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Teacher: How much is a gram?


Tyronne: Uhmm, depends on what you need

Boy: The principal is so dumb!

Girl: Do you know who I am?

Boy: No...

Girl: I am the principal's daughter!

Boy: Do you know who I am?

Girl: No...

Boy: Good! *Walks away*

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“Daddy, what is an alcoholic?” 

“Do you see those 4 trees, son? 

An alcoholic would see 8 trees.” 

“Um, Dad – there are only 2 trees.”

_______________________________________________

 

Wait for me honey, I’m just finishing my make-up. 

You don’t need make-up, Jane.

Oh, Richard…. really? That is so sweet of you! 

You need plastic surgery.

 

_______________________________________________

 

Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation. 

Doctor: Don't worry. Mine too.

Edited by Rajeshl
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An old man was a witness in a burglary case.

The defense lawyer asked Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"

"Yes," said Sam, "I saw him plainly take the goods."

The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"

"Yes, says Sam. "I saw him do it."

Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam, listen, you are an 80-year-old, and your eyesight is probably bad. Just how far can you see at night?"

Sam says, "I can see the moon. How far is that?"
 

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A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman.


Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role.


"Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."
 

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