Popular Post aum Posted May 28, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted May 28, 2020 The Nsaner's wife has been dropping hints about her birthday gift for weeks. Now, on the day before, Nsaner asks, “So what do you think you’re getting for your birthday?” His wife responds, “All I know is that it better be in the driveway and it better go from zero to 200 in under six seconds.” “Oh, it will,” Nsaner responds, “and it does.” The next morning his wife wakes up to find a bathroom scale in the driveway. kyber, flash13, TrojanK and 4 others 3 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted May 29, 2020 Share Posted May 29, 2020 More clever than funny... aum, flash13, kyber and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted May 29, 2020 Share Posted May 29, 2020 ghost and flash13 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lurch234 Posted May 30, 2020 Share Posted May 30, 2020 What won't they come up with? Karlston, ghost and kyber 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted May 30, 2020 Share Posted May 30, 2020 Pequi, ghost, aum and 2 others 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted May 31, 2020 Share Posted May 31, 2020 Two elderly, excited women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher. When this preacher condemned the sin of lust, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs..."AMEN, BROTHER!" When the preacher condemned the sin of stealing, they yelled again..."PREACH IT, REVEREND!" And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying...they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER...TELL IT LIKE IT IS...AMEN!" But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet, and one turned to the other and said, "He's done quit preaching and now he's meddlin'." Karlston, flash13, Pequi and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted May 31, 2020 Share Posted May 31, 2020 An 8 year old girl went to the office with her father on 'Take your kid to work Day'. As they walked round the office she started crying and getting cranky. Her father asked what was wrong. As the staff gathered round she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?" Karlston, TrojanK, Pequi and 3 others 2 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Karlston Posted May 31, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted May 31, 2020 cosy, ghost, andy2004 and 6 others 2 1 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 1, 2020 Share Posted June 1, 2020 Two guys were out walking home from work one afternoon. "Man," the first guy said, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip my wife's panties off!" "What's the rush?" his buddy asked. "The damn elastic in the legs is killing me!" TrojanK, flash13, Karlston and 2 others 1 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 1, 2020 Share Posted June 1, 2020 ghost, flash13, aum and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 2, 2020 Share Posted June 2, 2020 (edited) A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in 'Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?" A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?" He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?" The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!" Edited June 2, 2020 by aum Karlston and ghost 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 2, 2020 Share Posted June 2, 2020 An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor. "So, what is it?" grumbled the governor. "Judge Zufer has just died" said the attorney, "and I want to take his place." The governor replied: "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker." TrojanK, ghost and Karlston 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 2, 2020 Share Posted June 2, 2020 vitorio and ghost 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 3, 2020 Share Posted June 3, 2020 Some groaners... My parents were hippies. They always told me there would be no sweets until I smoked my greens. If Watson isn't the most famous doctor in the world, then Who is. "The trouble with quotes on the internet is you can never tell if they're genuine." - Abraham Lincoln To celebrate International Coffee Day: This morning I made my coffee with Red Bull (an energy drink) instead of water. After 15 minutes of driving on the highway, I realized I left my car at home. ultrahub, ghost, TrojanK and 1 other 1 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 3, 2020 Share Posted June 3, 2020 Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit." Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother." leapinlizards, ghost, Karlston and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post aum Posted June 3, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted June 3, 2020 Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. "Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said. "I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?" "All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand." "No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?" Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone." Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!" "Two and a half carats." ghost, leapinlizards, TrojanK and 4 others 1 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 3, 2020 Share Posted June 3, 2020 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 4, 2020 Share Posted June 4, 2020 It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant. "That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened." Karlston, TrojanK, ghost and 1 other 2 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karlston Posted June 4, 2020 Share Posted June 4, 2020 My car has a bumper sticker that reads "Honk if you think I'm sexy." Spoiler Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself. TrojanK, ghost, flash13 and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 5, 2020 Share Posted June 5, 2020 A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available. Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed. Nun: I think that would be okay. They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later... Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold. Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does) Ten minutes later... Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does) Ten minutes later... Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night. Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own blanket. kyber, ghost, cosy and 2 others 2 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Karlston Posted June 6, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted June 6, 2020 kyber, leapinlizards, ghost and 8 others 3 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post aum Posted June 6, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted June 6, 2020 Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible? Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died! Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion. Karlston, vitorio, J WACKO and 4 others 1 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Karlston Posted June 6, 2020 Popular Post Share Posted June 6, 2020 aum, TrojanK, flash13 and 4 others 1 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 7, 2020 Share Posted June 7, 2020 (edited) On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride, "I have a confession tomake that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship. "What is it?" his new bride asked lovingly. "I'm a golf fanatic," he said. "I think about golf constantly. I'll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get.If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win." His new bride pondered this for a moment and said, "I thank you for your honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The truth is, "I'm a hooker." "No problem," said her husband, "just widen your stance a little, and overlap your grip, and that should clear it right up." Edited June 7, 2020 by aum Karlston, Pequi and ghost 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aum Posted June 7, 2020 Share Posted June 7, 2020 So this older guy goes to the doctor asking for a prescription for Viagra. The guy asks for a large dose of the strongest variety. The doctor asks why he needs so much. The guy says that two young nymphomaniacs are spending a week at his place. The doctor fills the prescription. Later that week, the same guy goes back to the doctor asking for pain killers. The doctor asks, "Why, is your d**k in that much pain?" "No," says the guy, "it's for my wrists - the girls never showed up!" ghost, TrojanK, Pequi and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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