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[JOTD] Joke of the day

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pietpuk123
Posted (edited)

During a dull white house dinner, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with Secretary of State, Tillerson.

"I bought Donald a parrot for his birthday. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to say over two hundred words!"

"Very impressive," said Tillerson, "but , you do realize he just speaks the words. He doesn't really understand what they all mean"

"Oh, I know" , replied Melania, "but neither does the parrot."

Edited by pietpuk123

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aum

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.
So let's talk."
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, " What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know,"says the guy.
"How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde.
"That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass.
Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

 

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Karlston

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.

 

He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

 

"We're taking American Airlines," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

 

"American?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

 

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

 

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

 

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

 

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

 

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

 

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of American Airline's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel – - it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodelling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city.

 

They, too, were overbooked, so they apologised and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

 

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope."

 

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me.

 

Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

 

"Really?" asked the barber. "What'd he say?"

 

He said, "Where'd you get the crappy haircut?"

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Karlston
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Karlston

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leapinlizards

cute !

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vitorio
On 5/9/2019 at 3:48 PM, Karlston said:

He said, "Where'd you get the crappy haircut?"

Touché!

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aum

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife... she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over... women like that are hard to find."
 

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Karlston

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Karlston

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aum

A woman walks in a store to return a pair of eyeglasses that she had purchased for her husband a week before.


"What seems to be the problem, madam?"


"I'm returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He's still not seeing things my way."

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Karlston

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aum

A balding man went into a barber’s shop and asked how much it would be for a haircut.


“Twenty-five dollars,” said the barber.


“Twenty-five dollars, that’s crazy!” exclaimed the man. “I’ve hardly got any hair. How can it be that expensive?”


The barber explained, “It’s $5 for the actual cut and $20 for the search fee.”

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Karlston

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