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Every SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP is successful for the SAME 10 EXACT reasons


mona

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V A L E N T I N E ' S   D A Y   S P E C I A L

 

o-DEEPAK-CHOPRA-MIRACULOUS-RELATIONSHIP-

 

 

E V E R Y   S U C C E S S F U L   R E L A T I O N S H I P

 

I S   S U C C E S S F U L   F O R   T H E   S A M E   

10    E X A C T   R E A S O N S 

 

 

 

Last  week  I  wrote  an  article revealing  that  I’m  36,  still  single,  and  for  a  very  long  time haven’t  had  much  of  a  clue  when  it  comes  to  relationships.

 

I  came  across  “attachment  theory”  which  helped  me  understand  that  I’m  an  “avoidant  type”, which  is  someone  who  seeks  to  maintain  their  independence  and  has  trouble  getting  close to  people.

 

It  was  one  of  Mark  Manson’s  articles  that  helped  me  to  finally  understand  why  I’ve  been single  for  so  long.  

Manson is  one  of  my  favorite  authors  in  the  self-development  space. He’s  refreshingly  honest  and  shares  my  frustration  with  many  concepts  shared  by  the  new age  spiritual  movement.

 

Just  a  few  weeks  ago  Manson  published  an article, explaining  the  same  exact  reasons  why relationship  are  successful.

 

Seeing  as  this  is  the  one  area  of  my  life  where  I  consider  myself  far  from  successful,  I wanted  to  find  out  more.

 

To  find  out  the  key  factors  of  a  successful  relationship,  Manson  asked  his  email  subscribers to  respond  if  they  had  been  in  a  happy  relationship  for  10+  years.  Almost  1,500  people responded.

 

Manson  found  that  everyone’s  answers  were  extremely  repetitive,  in  a  good  way.  These “were  all  smart  and  well-spoken  people  from  all  walks  of  life,  from  all  around  the  world,  all with  their  own  histories,  tragedies,  mistakes  and  triumphs.”  Yet  they  all  said  their  pretty much  the  same  things.

 

Which  means  that  these  10  reasons  must  be  incredibly  important,  and  actually  work  in creating  a  long-lasting  and  happy  relationship.

 

Here  they  are.

 

1.  Be  together  for  the  right  reasons

 

Before  revealing  what  the  right  reasons  were  for  staying  in  a  relationship,  Manson’s readers  shared  some  of  the  wrong  reasons:

  • Pressure  from  friends  and  family
  • Feeling  like  a  “loser”  because  they  were  single  and  settling  for  the  first  person  that came  along
  • Being  together  for  image  –  because  the  relationship looked  good  on  paper  (or  in photos),  not  because  the  two  people  actually  admired  each  other
  • Being  young  and  naïve  and  hopeless  in  love,  thinking  that  love  would  solve everything

 

Everything  that  makes  a  relationship  work  requires  a  genuine,  deep-level  admiration  for each  other.  This  admiration  has  to  come  from  a  deep  place  within,  as  shown  by  the following  reasons.

 

 

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2.  Have  realistic  expectations

 

According  to  Manson,  in  ancient  times  people  considered  love  to  be  a  sickness.  Parents warned  their  children  against  falling  in  love  and  doing  something  silly  in  the  name  of  their emotions.

 

The  reason  is  that  love  make  us  feel  incredible  inside,  but  also  makes  us  highly  irrational.

 

Think  of  that  high  school  friend  who  left  school,  sold  his  car  and  spent  the  money  to  elope on  the  beaches  of  California.  Or  your  work  colleague  who  quit  her  job  on  a  whim  and moved  to  a  different  country  because  she  met  a  traveling  backpacker.

 

In  many  of  these  cases,  unbridled  love  tricks  us  into  doing  irrational  things  based  on  our desire  to  procreate  with  someone.  That’s  what  nature  does.  It  gets  us  to  make  short  term decisions  to  the  detriment  of  long  term  planning.

 

True  love,  according  to  Manson’s  research,  is  a  choice.

 

“It’s  a  constant  commitment  to  a  person  regardless  of  the  present  circumstances.  It’s  a commitment  to  a  person  who  you  understand  isn’t  going  to  always  make  you  happy  –  nor should  they!  –  and  a  person  who  will  need  to  rely  on  you  at  times,  just  as  you  will  rely  on them.”

 

This  form  of  love  is  much  harder,  but  ultimately  more  satisfying.

 

 

3.  The  most  important  factor  in  a  relationship  is  not communication,  but  respect

 

This  flies  in  the  face  of  a  previous  article  we  published  where  we  suggested  that  the  most important  factor  in  a  long  lasting  relationship  is  communication.

 

Communication  is  important,  but  Manson  noticed  from  his  research  that  the  people marriages  lasting  for  20,  30  or  even  40  years  that  the  most  cited  factor  for  their  success was  respect.

 

Communication  will  always  break  down  at  some  point.  Conflicts  are  unavoidable,  and  the only  thing  that  will  keep  you  going  is  a  deep  sense  of  respect  for  each  other.

 

You  need  to  have  the  kind  of  respect  where  you  hold  each  other  in  such  high  esteem  and believe  in  each  other  –  often  more  than  you  believe  in  yourselves  –  trusting  that  your partner  is  doing  the  best  with  the  circumstances  they  are  dealt  in  life.

 

Respect  is  synonymous  with  trust,  and  they  are  both  the  lifeblood  of  any  successful relationship.

 

 

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4.  Talk  openly  about  everything,  especially  the  stuff  that  hurts

 

This  is  where  communication  remains  so  important.

 

Manson  receives  hundreds  of  emails  each  week  from  readers  asking  for  relationship advice.  They  explain  what  they’re  struggling  with  in  their  relationship. 

 

Manson  responds  the  same  way  each  time:  “Take  this  email  you  just  sent  to  me,  print  it  out, and  show  it  to  your  partner.  Then  come  back  and  ask  again.”

 

If  something  is  bothering  you  in  a  relationship,  you  need  to  be  able  to  communicate  it directly  to  your  partner.  This  is  how  you  build  trust  and  intimacy.

 

 

15-lovers-day-photography.jpg

 

 

5.  A  healthy  and  happy  relationship  requires  two  HEALTHY  and  HAPPY  individuals

 

The  key  point  here  is  that  each  person  in  a  relationship  needs  to  have  their  own  identity, their  own  interests  and  perspectives.

 

Attempting  to  control  your  partner  (or  submitting  to  your  partner)  in  order  to  make  them  or you  happy  will  end  up  backfiring.  It  destroys  your  individual  identities  and  make  you  bother miserable.

 

Instead,  it’s  better  to  take  your  own  happiness  into  your  own  hands.  As  one  of  Manson’s readers  wrote:

 

“Don’t  ever  give  up  who  you  are  for  the  person  you’re  with.  It  will  only  backfire  and  make you  both  miserable.  Have  the  courage  to  be  who  you  are,  and  most  importantly,  let  your partner  be  who  they  are.  Those  are  the  two  people  who  fell  in  love  with  each  other  in  the first  place.”

 

 

6.  Give  each  other  space

 

One  of the  most  popular  themes  in  Mason’s  responses  was  the  importance  of  two  people having  space  from  one  another.  They  could,  for  example,  have:

  • Separate  credit  cards
  • Different  friends  and  hobbies
  • Separate  vacations
  • Separate  bathrooms  or  bedrooms

 

Many  people  are  afraid  to  give  their  partners  too  much  space  out  of  the  fear  that  their partner  doesn’t  want  to  be  with  them  anymore.

 

But  this  desire  to  control  someone  else  is  a  form  of  disrespect.  It  doesn’t  let  your  partner be who  they  are.

 

 

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7.  You  and  your  partner  will  grow  and  change  in  unexpected ways.  You need  to  embrace  it

 

One  theme  that  came  up  repeatedly  in  Manson’s  responses  was  that  people  change  over time.  Rather  than  trying  to  stay  the  same,  the  most  successful  relationships  understand  this and  embrace  the  other  partner  as  these  changes  occur.

 

Some  of  the  longest  lasting  and  successful  relationships  in  Manson’s  survey  group managed  to  survive  and  thrive  through  some  extraordinarily  challenging  changes,  such  as: changing  religions,  moving  countries,  death  of  family  members  (including  children), changing  political  beliefs,  changing  sexual  orientation  and  in  a  few  cases  gender identification.

 

These  relationships  continued  to  survive  because  the  partners’  respect  for  each  other meant  they  could  each  adapt  and  allow  each  person  to  flourish  and  grow.

 

It’s  not  easy,  which  is  why  you  want  to  know  how  to  fight.

 

 

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8.  Get  good  at  fighting

 

John  Gottman is  a  highly  regarded  psychologist  and  research  who  has  analyzed  married couples  for  over  30  years,  figuring  out  why  they  stick  together  and  why  they  break  apart.

 

According  to  Manson,  Gottman  dominates  the  field  of  why  people  stick  together.

 

One  of  Gottman’s  counterintuitive  conclusions  mirrors  the  findings  of  Manson:

 

The  couples  that  are  good  at  fighting  together,  stay  together.

 

The  reality  is  that  people  will  always  disagree  numerous  times  over  the  course  of  a relationship.  The  couples  who  can  successfully  deal  with  conflict  are  the  ones  whose relationships  will  thrive.

 

The  bad  way  to  fight  is  to  do  one  of  these  four  things:

  1. Criticize  your  partner’s  character 
  2. Be  defensive  or  shift  the  blame
  3. Show  contempt  towards  your  partner 5/6
  4. Threaten  to  withdraw  from  the  argument  or  ignore  your  partner

 

Instead,  follow  some  of  this  advice:

  • Never  insult  or  name-call  your  partner
  • Don’t  bring  previous  fights  into  the  current  one
  • If  things  get  heated,  take  a  breather
  • Remember  that  being  “right”  isn’t  as  important  as  both  people  feeling  respected 

 

Ultimately,  “fighting”  is  about  having  enough  respect  for  someone  that  you  genuinely  want to  understand  their  perspective  and  where  you  both  differ.  You  don’t  need  to  think  in  the same  way,  but  you  do  need  to  respect  how  your  partner  thinks.

 

 

pjLovers.jpg

 

 

9.  Get  good  at  forgiving

 

If  you’re  going  to  embrace  fighting  in  order  to  deal  with  conflict,  you  need  to  get  good  at forgiving.  This  is  how  you  make  fighting  a  productive  part  of  a  relationship  that  helps  you replenish  the  love  as  you  both  move  through  life.

 

As  one  reader  wrote:

“Been  happily  married  40+  years.  One  piece  of  advice  that  comes  to  mind:  choose  your battles.  Some  things  matter,  worth  getting  upset  about.  Most  do  not.  Argue  over  the  little things  and  you’ll  find  yourself  arguing  endlessly;  little  things  pop  up  all  day  long,  it  takes  a toll  over  time.  Like  Chinese  water  torture:  minor  in  the  short  term,  corrosive  over  time. Consider:  is  this  a  little  thing  or  a  big  thing?  Is  it  worth  the  cost  of  arguing?”

 

 

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10.  Sex  matters…  a  huge  amount

 

This  point  was  reiterated  hundreds  of  times  in  the  responses  sent  to  Manson.

 

The  nature  of  sex  varied  between  the  couples,  but  it  was  crucial  that  each  partner  felt sexually  satisfied.  This  may  come  from  experimentation,  living  out  fantasies  or  committing to  frequency.  Whatever  each  couple  wanted  for  themselves,  the  crucial  point  was  that  each individual  needed  to  consistently  feel  sexually  satisfied.

 

Sex  doesn’t  just  keep  the  relationship  healthy.  It  can  also  be  used  to  heal  relationships. When  things  get  difficult,  some  couples  commit  to  having  sex  every  day  for  one  week. Then,  as  if  by  magic,  things  improve.

 

What  do  you  think  of  these  10  factors  to  a  successful  relationship?  Have  they  been  crucial to  your  relationship,  or  would  they  have  helped  to  repair  a  failed  relationship?  

Let me  know in  the  comments and ......  GOOD  LUCK !     :thumbsup:

 

 

 

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Just the right article for Valentine's Day - thank you for the post, @mona!;)

Although they are basics of what one must keep to his/her partner, these things are also important. However, we somehow tend to forget them as we goes through our daily, busy lives...:unsure:
I would like to quote an old Saying : "In everything, do to others as you would have them do to you."
And your OP seems to agree with it...if you want your friend/partner to be kind, gentle & caring - then you must do the same beforehand.

It is good to be reminded of them here, and on the day of St. Valentine.:)

(But as you know, this rule doesn't only apply to couples & the Wedded. They apply to ALL relationships one might have in their lives - as friends, or as family. If you leave out #10, that is...:P)

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41 minutes ago, 0691 said:

 @mona
Although they are basic things one must keep to his/her partner, they are also important. However, we somehow tend to forget them as we goes through our daily, busy lives...

 

These rules may look very simple or basic , but as far as the real life is concerned - they are not that easy to be obeyed,  as @WALLONN7 and @vertical did confessed.  

That's why we need to be reminded from time to time. And such a day like today makes a perfect occasion.  :P

 

Quote

(But as you know, this rule doesn't only apply to couples & the Wedded. They apply to ALL relationships one might have in their lives - as friends, or as family. If you leave out #10, that is...:P)

 

 Good point.  Thank you for mentioning that.   :yes:

 

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