Jokes from the Homeland Security guys

[humble3d]

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right

away.

She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go

along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a

honeymoon to a very nice resort.

So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his

towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck

reverse piked with a double twist. This was followed by a three

rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the

water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the

towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you

we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about

thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out

of breath.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of

the canal."

=======================================================================

The Christian Priest came, laid his hands on my head and said, By the

will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!

I smiled and told him I was not paralyzed.

The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my head and said, By the will of God

Almighty, you will walk today!

I was less amused when I told him there was nothing wrong with me.

The Mullah came, took my hands and said, Insha Allah, you will walk

today!

I snapped at him, Theres nothing wrong with me

The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said, By the will of The

Great Buddha, you will walk today!

I rudely told him there was nothing wrong with me.

After the sermons, I stepped outside and found my car had been stolen.

=======================================================================

A horse walks into a church.

Priest says, 'Why the long face?'

Horse replies, 'Evolution'.

=======================================================================

George stops for a red light and a beautiful blonde stops in the lane

beside him. George rolls down his windows and she also rolls down her

windows. George smiles and asks with a sheepish grin on his face, "Did

you fart too?"

=======================================================================

The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican

and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords. The crowd is

huge - thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness, can't help but have a

little rivalry, both being heads of churches and all.

The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little

wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave

elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd.

Gradually the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock

and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the

Queen, "Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with

one little wave of my hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd

go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that

of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will

speak forever of this day and rejoice. They will recount it to their

grandchildren and they to their descendants."

The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your

hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Pope slaps her.

=======================================================================

So a moth goes into a podiatrists office.

"Come in," says the podiatrist, "What's the problem?"

The moth drops down into the nearest chair and says "What's the

problem? I don't even know where to start. First of all, my boss is a

vicious tyrant who gets off on the petty torments he puts me through

day in and day out, and I'm too spineless to stand up to him, so I just

take it and I've gradually come to hate myself for it. Also, every

morning I wake up to the same prune-face old crone to whom I pledged my

vows so many years ago. I used to love her, but that love has become

like some sun-festering beached whale trying to die. We lost our

daughter last year to one of the bitterest, coldest winters we've ever

had to face in this region. Isn't it funny, doc, how all the prayer

circles and charity drives in the world amount to pretty much nothing

in the face of that cold, impartial face of winter, that bleak,

pounding, harsh fist of a callous environment, carrying on with its

machinations without regard to our lives, loves, hopes and dreams?

Isn't that hysterical, Doc? Oh and then there's my son. Doc, I don't

love him anymore. I don't know what it is but I look in his eyes and I

see that same harried look of gutless cowardice that I see when I stare

at my own face in the mirror. If I wasn't such a coward, Doc, I know

I'd be able to scrape together enough pride to grab that cocked and

loaded shotgun I keep by the bedside table, and just run amok and put

an end to this grim facade once and for all. I start with the wife,

then the boy of course before putting the barrel in my own mouth.

Believe you me, Doc, I'd be doing the world a favor. I have nothing to

look forward to but a continuation of this spiraling black hole that is

my life, this existential cesspool that is the perpetuation of my

lingering skid-mark on society. I despise people yet I crave their

approval. I'm judgmental yet I care about nothing. I'm bitter, hateful

and afraid. I'm alive yet I feel like the walking dead. This is it,

Doc: I am a living, breathing, disease."

The doctor stares at him for a while then finally says "Jeez, Moth, you

definitely have some problems. But I'm a podiatrist. You need a

psychiatrist. Why'd you come in here?"

The moth says, "Your light was on."

=======================================================================

A man goes to a bar. He just had a fight with his wife and he want to

drown his worries in whisky.

As he drinks, his worries fade away. Soon enough, he is drunk and then

he realizes: "Holy crap, my wife is going to kill me! It's almost the

middle of the dawn and I'm here, pissed and far from home"

So he get up to leave, only to fall face-first on the floor

immediately. He can't even walk. "Crap", the man wisely slurs to

himself. He ends up dragging himself with his bare hands all the way

home. He doesn't want to wake up his wife, so he just let himself drift

away on the couch when he finally arrives.

The next morning, when they wake up, his wife is angry. He is pissed

too, but in a less metaphorical way.

"You spent the night in the bar, didn't you, you little bastard" the

wife throws at him.

"No, I didn't! I swear!"

"Don't lie to me! The barman called.

You forgot your wheelchair there!"

=======================================================================

A man and wife decide to go fishing on a Saturday. They rent equipment,

take off early in the morning and enjoy a relaxing day out on the

water. Unfortunately, they only catch one fish apiece.

On the ride home, they share their disappointment. The husband says,

"You know, with all the money we spent, these fish cost us about $500

each."

The wife replies, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch anymore."

;)

[myidisbb]

you should posted these separately. also the queen and pope was cute

[Reefa]

A horse walks into a church.

Priest says, 'Why the long face?'

Horse replies, 'Evolution'. :rofl: ..Nice