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[JOTD] Joke of the day

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kenzhin

Kaumalapau!

 

Audrey found herself standing in front of the Pearly Gates of Heaven. Gabriel greeted her and said, “These are the Gates to Heaven, my dear. But you only must do one more thing before you can enter.”

Audrey was very excited, and asked of Gabriel what she must do.

“Spell a word,” Gabriel answered.

“What word?” she asked.

“Any word,” answered Gabriel. “It’s your choice.”

Audrey quickly replied, “Then the word I will spell is love. L-O-V-E.”

Gabriel welcomed Audrey in, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he took a break. So the woman is left sitting in Gabriel’s seat when a man approaches the gates, and Audrey realizes it is her husband Bradley.

“What happened to you?” she cried, “Why are you here?”

Bradley stared at her for a few second, then said, “I was so upset when I left your funeral, I got in a bad car accident. Did I really make it to Heaven?”

“Not yet,darling” she replied, “You must spell a word first.”

“What word?” he asked.

The woman answered, “Kaumalapau.”

 
 

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kenzhin

Healthy Nutrition!

 

Previous day Zach went to the doctor for his yearly physical control. His blood pressure was too high, his cholesterol was too high, He’d gained some weight, and he didn’t feel so hot.

Zach’s doctor said eating right doesn’t have to be complicated and it would solve his physical problems. He said just think in colors. Fill your dish with bright colors: greens, yellows, reds and more.

Zach went right home and ate an entire bowl of M&M’s and sure enough, he felt better immediately. He never knew eating right could be so easy.

 
 

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adi

A friend was laid up at home with the flu. His fiancee called and volunteered to come over and fix dinner and play nursemaid to him. He declined, not wanting to pass on the flu to her.

 

"Okay honey", she told him, "We'll wait till after we get married. Then we can spend the rest of our lives making each other sick!"

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Vdogeek

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"

Doctor: "Nine."

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adi

An important and very well publicized murder trial was soon to begin. In preparation for the trial, the tiresome jury selection process took place, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors.

One prospective juror, Dan O'Keefe, was called for his question session.


He was asked, "Property holder?"
Dan replied, "Yes, I am, Your Honor."

Then he was asked, "Married or single?"
Dan responded, "Married for twenty years, Your Honor."

Then the judge asked, "Formed or expressed an opinion?"
Dan stated with certainty, "Not in twenty years, Your Honor."

 

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adi

A married guy goes for his annual physical and to his shock & dismay the doctor tells him he has only 24 hours to live.

He goes home in shock and tells his wife, who makes him his favorite meal. They then go into the bedroom and make love. Around 10 o'clock he says lets do it again and she agrees. Around midnight as his wife is drifting off to sleep he nudges her and says how about one more time.

She rolls over and says, "Hey, some of us have to get up for work in the morning."

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adi

Husband and wife are having a conversation.

Wife: "Since we got married, we don't go out anymore and we never go eat at nice restaurants. You are not romantic anymore. You never say sweet things to me anymore."

Husband: (Chuckling) "Oh Darling, don't look too much into it. You know I still love you. But have you ever seen a politician campaigning after winning an election?"

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adi

The following ad in the Atlanta Journal is reported to have received numerous calls:


"Single Black Female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I am a very good-looking girl who loves to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy."


Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an eight week-old black Labrador retriever.

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kenzhin

Handsome Face!

 

A married man was visiting his girlfriend one day, when she requested that he shave his beard. “Oh, James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.”

James replied, “My wife loves this beard, I couldn’t possibly do it. She would kill me!”

“Oh, please?” the girlfriend asked again in a sexy little voice.

“Really, I can’t” he replied, “My wife loves this beard!”

The girlfriend asked once more and he sighed and finally gave in. That night, James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. Wife woke up somewhat, felt his face, and replied, “Oh Michael, you shouldn’t be here. My husband will be home soon!”

 
 

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adi

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.

 

"I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one."

 

The next time came around and she asked again.

 

The husband looked puzzled, "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby...!"

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