[JOTD] Joke of the day

[ZaG]

19 hours ago, Reefa said:

instead of calling me a troll (which I am not!) and rolling around laughing, maybe you should worry about updating the front page, it has been almost 3 weeks now since it was updated. lol   Us members asked in a thread (which you closed) about what was going on, no response, just closed the thread....good job! <sarcasm

 

try to live up to the motto dude! "software as it should be"

Edited April 17, 2018 by ZaG

[kenzhin]

Only One Kiss Per Yard!

 

Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, beautiful Alisa asked, “I want to buy this fabric for a new dress. How much does it cost?”

“Only one kiss per yard, ” replied the smirking male salesman.

“That’s fine,” replied the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.”

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the salesman hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

Alisa snapped up the package, pointed to a little old man standing beside her, smiled and said. “Grandpa, pay the man.”

 

 

[kenzhin]

Kaumalapau!

 

Audrey found herself standing in front of the Pearly Gates of Heaven. Gabriel greeted her and said, “These are the Gates to Heaven, my dear. But you only must do one more thing before you can enter.”

Audrey was very excited, and asked of Gabriel what she must do.

“Spell a word,” Gabriel answered.

“What word?” she asked.

“Any word,” answered Gabriel. “It’s your choice.”

Audrey quickly replied, “Then the word I will spell is love. L-O-V-E.”

Gabriel welcomed Audrey in, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he took a break. So the woman is left sitting in Gabriel’s seat when a man approaches the gates, and Audrey realizes it is her husband Bradley.

“What happened to you?” she cried, “Why are you here?”

Bradley stared at her for a few second, then said, “I was so upset when I left your funeral, I got in a bad car accident. Did I really make it to Heaven?”

“Not yet,darling” she replied, “You must spell a word first.”

“What word?” he asked.

The woman answered, “Kaumalapau.”

 

 

[kenzhin]

Healthy Nutrition!

 

Previous day Zach went to the doctor for his yearly physical control. His blood pressure was too high, his cholesterol was too high, He’d gained some weight, and he didn’t feel so hot.

Zach’s doctor said eating right doesn’t have to be complicated and it would solve his physical problems. He said just think in colors. Fill your dish with bright colors: greens, yellows, reds and more.

Zach went right home and ate an entire bowl of M&M’s and sure enough, he felt better immediately. He never knew eating right could be so easy.

 

 

[tao]

A friend was laid up at home with the flu. His fiancee called and volunteered to come over and fix dinner and play nursemaid to him. He declined, not wanting to pass on the flu to her.

 

"Okay honey", she told him, "We'll wait till after we get married. Then we can spend the rest of our lives making each other sick!"

[Vdogeek]

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"

Doctor: "Nine."

[tao]

My wife complained that I never take her anywhere...

I told her that's not true, we take a trip around the sun every year!

[tao]

An important and very well publicized murder trial was soon to begin. In preparation for the trial, the tiresome jury selection process took place, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors.

One prospective juror, Dan O'Keefe, was called for his question session.

He was asked, "Property holder?"
Dan replied, "Yes, I am, Your Honor."

Then he was asked, "Married or single?"
Dan responded, "Married for twenty years, Your Honor."

Then the judge asked, "Formed or expressed an opinion?"
Dan stated with certainty, "Not in twenty years, Your Honor."

 

[tao]

A married guy goes for his annual physical and to his shock & dismay the doctor tells him he has only 24 hours to live.

He goes home in shock and tells his wife, who makes him his favorite meal. They then go into the bedroom and make love. Around 10 o'clock he says lets do it again and she agrees. Around midnight as his wife is drifting off to sleep he nudges her and says how about one more time.

She rolls over and says, "Hey, some of us have to get up for work in the morning."

[tao]

Husband and wife are having a conversation.

Wife: "Since we got married, we don't go out anymore and we never go eat at nice restaurants. You are not romantic anymore. You never say sweet things to me anymore."

Husband: (Chuckling) "Oh Darling, don't look too much into it. You know I still love you. But have you ever seen a politician campaigning after winning an election?"

[Vdogeek]

Where do we get virgin wool from?

 

Ugly sheep.

 

[tao]

The following ad in the Atlanta Journal is reported to have received numerous calls:

"Single Black Female seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I am a very good-looking girl who loves to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy."

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an eight week-old black Labrador retriever.

[kenzhin]

Handsome Face!

 

A married man was visiting his girlfriend one day, when she requested that he shave his beard. “Oh, James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.”

James replied, “My wife loves this beard, I couldn’t possibly do it. She would kill me!”

“Oh, please?” the girlfriend asked again in a sexy little voice.

“Really, I can’t” he replied, “My wife loves this beard!”

The girlfriend asked once more and he sighed and finally gave in. That night, James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. Wife woke up somewhat, felt his face, and replied, “Oh Michael, you shouldn’t be here. My husband will be home soon!”

 

 

[tao]

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.

 

"I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one."

 

The next time came around and she asked again.

 

The husband looked puzzled, "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby...!"

[Dean213]

Teacher: How much is a gram?

Tyronne: Uhmm, depends on what you need

 

---------------------->

 

A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners

The lady says, "Come Again!"

The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."

 

 

------------------------------->

 

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!

Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!

Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)

Edited April 23, 2018 by Dino101

[Vdogeek]

Why did God create blondes?
-
So there’d be somebody to fetch beer.
-
Why did God create brunettes?
-
Because the blondes were failing at it miserably.

[Dce3480]

Hey Hey Hey I Got 1............................... FLOOR DUH get it  as in FLORIDA??

[Dean213]

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

 

------------------------------->

 

A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

 

--------------------------------->

 

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs."

 

----------------------------------->

 

Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. One nun suggests to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other and one nun says, "He's blind, so he can't see. What could it hurt?" They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

[Dean213]

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"

Doctor: "Nine."

 

--------------------------------->

 

Anton, do you think I’m a bad mother?

My name is Paul.

 

----------------------------------->

 

What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
-
Snowballs.

 

---------------------------------------->

 

"Mom, where do tampons go?"

"Where the babies come from, darling."

"In the stork?"

 

--------------------------------------->

 

 

[Dean213]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me."

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

 

 

------------------------------>

 

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Then he notices there are pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling of the bar so he asks the barman what they are for. The barman replies, "If you can jump up and pull one of them down you get free beer all night. If you fail, you have to pay the bar £100. Do you want to have a go?"

The man thinks about it for a minute before saying, "Nah, the steaks are too high!"

 

 

------------------------------------>

 

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"

He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"

The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?"

The man answers, "Now the problems start!"

 

------------------------------------>

 

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.

Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.

 

--------------------------------->

 

The teacher said to his class one day, "Please stand up, anyone who thinks they're stupid."

Nobody stood up so the teacher said, "I'm sure there are some stupid students in this class!"

At this point Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Oh Johnny! So you think you're stupid then?"

Little Johnny replied, "No, I just felt bad that you were standing up on your own."

 

 

 

 

[Dean213]

When Nasa first began sending astronauts into space, they were confronted by a small problem. Their standard ballpoint pens would not work in space. They spent a decade and twelve million dollars designing a pen that would work below three hundred degrees, in space, and on glass. 
Russia used a pencil.

 

——————

 

Teacher: Who answers my next question, can go home. 
One boy throws his bag out the window. 
Teacher: Who just threw that? 
Boy: Me and I’m going home now.

 

"................

 

Teacher: What exactly is MATH?
Boy: Mental Abuse To Humans

[Vdogeek]

I got lost!
-
Where are you?
-
In the car. 

Dear audience, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you my wife!

[Akaneharuka]

Wow! That Fuji montain is very beautiful !

 

 

 

 

 

[Dean213]

 

----------------------->>

 

“Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy’s belly yesterday night.”
 
“Yes, we were trying to get rid of daddy’s big belly. I jump on him so all the air would come out.”
-
“Aha, I know why it isn’t working then – the woman from next door comes every afternoon when you go shopping and blows all the air back into him again.”

 

-------------------------->

 

Father: “Son, you were adopted.”
 
Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”
 
Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”

 

----------------------------------->>

A boss announces to his staff: “I’ve lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!”

A voice in the background says: “I’m offering 200!”

 

-------------------------------->>

 

Peter comes very drunk home late at night. He wakes his sleeping wife: “Emily wake up! You know what just happened!?”
-
“No”, she replies sleepily.
-
“I went to the toilet and the light switched on all by itself. And when I went out of there, the light switched off again without me having to do anything. I think I’m getting super powers!” 
-
Emily replies groans: “Oh no, Peter! You pig, you just peed into the fridge again!!!”

 

 

------------------------->>

 

Judge: “Why did you steal the car?” 

Man: “I had to get to work.”
 
Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?”

Man: I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus. 

 

 

Edited April 28, 2018 by Dino101

[Dean213]

Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
 
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."

 

---------------------------------->>

 

My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

 

-------------------------------->>

 

I tried to re-marry my ex-wife.

But she figured out I was only after my money.

 

-------------------------------------->>

 

8 p.m. I get an SMS from my girlfriend: Me or football?!

11 p.m. I SMS my girlfriend: You of course.

 

------------------------------>>

 

A nice old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. He’s happy to take some. He asks her after a while why she isn’t having any herself.

“Oh, young man,” she says, “they’re too hard on my poor teeth, I couldn’t.”

“Why did you buy them at all then?” wonders the driver.

“You see, I just love the chocolate they’re covered in!”

 

------------------------->>

 

 

 

 

 

Edited April 30, 2018 by Dino101