kenzhin Posted March 26, 2018 Share Posted March 26, 2018 Money Back Guarantee! A young lady, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs. The sign says: “S.x Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! Comes with complete instructions.” The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody’s watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter,”I’ll take one.” The man packages the frog and says, “Just follow the instructions.” The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she reads the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified: 1. Take a shower. 2. Splash on some nice perfume. 3. Slip into a very s.xy nightie. 4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to follow it’s training. She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, “If you have a problems or questions, please call the pet store.” So, the lady calls the pet store. The man says, “I’ll be right over.” Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The lady welcomes him in and says, “See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions. The damn thing just sit there.” The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly at the frog and says, “Listen to me! I’m only going to show you how to do this one more time….” thunderpants, Vdogeek and Pequi 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kenzhin Posted March 26, 2018 Share Posted March 26, 2018 Bee And Man! A man and his wife are having s*x when a bee flies into the woman’s v*gina and won’t come out. They got to the doctor and he says that he wants to try and put honey on the tip of his p*nis to lure the bee out. The man reluctantly agrees and his wife and the doctor start having s*x. After a while it has gotten more intense and the man angrily asks if he was still trying to get the bee out and the doctor replies: “Change of plans. I’m going to drown the little b*stard!” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vdogeek Posted March 26, 2018 Share Posted March 26, 2018 Police officer talks to a driver: Your tail light is broken, your tires must be exchanged and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be 300 dollars. - Driver: Alright, go ahead. They want twice as much as that at the garage. jiski and uru 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dean213 Posted March 26, 2018 Share Posted March 26, 2018 kenzhin, Pequi and Vdogeek 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kenzhin Posted March 27, 2018 Share Posted March 27, 2018 The Bus Stop! Married Joe and Betty are waiting at the bus stop with their eight children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it loaded and only Betty and the eight kids are able to fit onto the bus. So Joe and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, Joe gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, “Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is making me mad.” The blind man replies, “If you would have put a rubber at the end of your stick, we’d be riding the bus. So don’t give advice to me and shut up.” jiski and Dean213 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vdogeek Posted March 27, 2018 Share Posted March 27, 2018 Knock, knock! Who’s there? Spell. Spell who? W-H-O. That is soooo true Dean213 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Akaneharuka Posted March 27, 2018 Share Posted March 27, 2018 Which dessert is bulletproof ? Dean213 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kenzhin Posted March 27, 2018 Share Posted March 27, 2018 Persevere! Young preacher Nathan was sitting in a lunch counter eating spaghetti and salad. He opened an envelope he’d just received that morning from his mother. As he opened it a thirty bucks fell out. He thought to himself; ”Thanks, Mom, I sure needed that right now.” As Nathan finished his food, he saw a beggar outside of the restaurant on the sidewalk leaning against the light post. Nathan thinking that the poor man could probably use the thirty bucks more than he, he crossed out the names on the envelope and wrote across the top in large letters, ‘Persevere!’ So as not to make a dramatic scene, he put the envelope under poor man’s arm and dropped it as he walked past the man. The poor man picked it up and read the message and smiled. The next midday, as Nathan enjoyed his meal, the same guy tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a big wad of bills. Surprised, the young preacher asked him what that was for. The man replied, “This is your half of the winnings. Your favourite horse Persevere came in first in the sixth race at the track yesterday and paid thirty five to one.” uru and Dean213 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vdogeek Posted March 28, 2018 Share Posted March 28, 2018 A snowman sniffs, “Hm, funny, I smell carrots…” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kenzhin Posted March 28, 2018 Share Posted March 28, 2018 Old Men's Problems! Three really old guys Joe, George and Harry are talking about their spasms, pains and bodily dysfunctions. Seventy years old Joe says: “I have this problem. I get up every morning at seven o’clock, and it takes me thirty minutes to pee.” Eighty years old George says: “My situation is worse. I get up at eight o’clock and I sit there and grunt and groan for forty minutes before I finally have a bowel movement.” Ninety five years old Harry says: “Not me. At seven o’clock. I pee like a horse and at eight o’clock. I s**t like a cow.” “So what’s your problem?” asked the other grumpy men. “I don’t wake up until nine o’clock.” Pequi and thunderpants 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kenzhin Posted March 29, 2018 Share Posted March 29, 2018 Thai Girl! Amanda goes to Thailand to attend a week, company education session. Her husband Dave drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip. Amanda says: “Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?” Dave laughs and says: “A Thai girl!” Amanda kept quiet and left. A week later Dave picks his wife up in the airport and asks: “So, darling, how was the education session?” Amanda replies; “Very good, thank you.” “And, what happened to my present?” Dave asks. “Which present?” Amanda asked. Dave answers; “The one I asked for, a Thai girl!” “Oh,” she said “Well, I did what I could; now we’ll have to wait for three months to see if it is a boy or a girl!” Pequi 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vdogeek Posted March 29, 2018 Share Posted March 29, 2018 Marriage is an institution of three rings. Engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering. Pequi and kenzhin 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vdogeek Posted March 30, 2018 Share Posted March 30, 2018 Would you cheat on your wife? On whom else would I be cheating?! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kenzhin Posted March 31, 2018 Share Posted March 31, 2018 Questions! Daniel and his son Brian goes fishing on Sunday morning. While they are out in the boat, Brian suddenly become curious about the world around him. He asks his father, “How does this boat float? Daniel answers, “Don’t rightly know son.” A few seconds later, Brian looks at his father again and asks, “How do fish breath underwater?” Once again Daniel replies, “Don’t rightly know son.” A few seconds later Brian asked his father, “Why is the sky blue?” Again, Daniel answers; “Don’t rightly know son.” Finally, Brian asks his father, “Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?” Daniel replies, “Of course not, if you don’t ask questions, you never learn a thing.” Vdogeek 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vdogeek Posted March 31, 2018 Share Posted March 31, 2018 Anton, do you think I’m a bad mother? My name is Paul. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dean213 Posted April 1, 2018 Share Posted April 1, 2018 Pequi 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vdogeek Posted April 1, 2018 Share Posted April 1, 2018 Two men are discussing their lives. One says, "I’m getting married. I’m sick of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear." The other one says, "Hey, I’m getting divorced for the same reasons." Pequi 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vdogeek Posted April 2, 2018 Share Posted April 2, 2018 Whenever I undress in the bathroom, my shower gets turned on. Wawawa! Pequi 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vdogeek Posted April 3, 2018 Share Posted April 3, 2018 A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kenzhin Posted April 4, 2018 Share Posted April 4, 2018 Incompatible Advices! Alexander called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. “Wear your worn out clothing. Let him think you are poor,” the accountant replied. Then Alexander asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. “Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most expensive suit and tie.” Confused, Alexander went to Preacher, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.”Let me tell you a story,” replied the Preacher. “A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her nuptial night. ‘Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.’ But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your hottest lingerie.” Alexander protested: “What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?!” “Simple”, replied the Preacher… “It doesn’t matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!” Pequi 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vdogeek Posted April 4, 2018 Share Posted April 4, 2018 In Spain, there is a tradition after a bullfight to serve the mayor the bull’s testicles. - One day after a bullfight, the mayor asks the waiter: “Funny, why are they so small today?” - The waiter: “Today, sir, the bull won.” Pequi 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kenzhin Posted April 5, 2018 Share Posted April 5, 2018 Dating Site! Cotter met a girl on a popular dating site and drives his date up to lovers hill and parks. “I have to be honest with you” the girl says as Cotter makes his best move.”I`m a whore”. Cotter pause two seconds and decides he`s ok with it. He agrees to pay girl thirty bucks and they go at it. After they finish the job, Cotter says, “Now I should be honest too. I`m a taxi driver and its going to cost you thirty bucks to get back to town”. Pequi 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vdogeek Posted April 5, 2018 Share Posted April 5, 2018 I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail. I sent it right back – way too expensive and really bad quality. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kenzhin Posted April 6, 2018 Share Posted April 6, 2018 100% Polar Bear! One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his polar bear son were sitting in the snow. The cub turned to his father and said: “Dad, am I 100 per cent polar bear?” “Of course, son,” replied the father. “You are 100 per cent polar bear.” A few minutes later, the cub turned to his father again and said: “Dad, tell me the truth, I can take it. Am I 100 per cent polar bear? No brown bear or black bear or grizzly bear?” The father put a loving paw on his son’s head. “Son,” he said, “I am 100 per cent polar bear, your mother is 100 per cent polar bear, so you are definitely 100 per cent polar bear.” The cub seemed satisfied, but a few minutes later he turned to his father once more and said: “Look, Dad, I don’t want you saying things just to spare my feelings. I have to know: am I 100 per cent polar bear?” By now the father was becoming distressed by the continual questioning and said: “Why do you keep asking if you are 100 per cent polar bear?” The cub replied: “Because I’m freezing!” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vdogeek Posted April 6, 2018 Share Posted April 6, 2018 Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie. The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?” Son: “Yeah.” Detector: “Beep.“ Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.” Detector: “Beep.” Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.” Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“ Detector: “Beep.” Mother laughs: “Ha ha ha, well, he really is your son!” Detector: “Beep.” heyheyhey17, kenzhin and Pequi 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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