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rudrax

[JOTD] Joke of the day

1,694 posts in this topic

Did you hear that shocking news about Yahoo?
Apparently they still have 500 million users

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Nobody posted any joke in here in a long time :(

Here's one:

 

The director of EA walks into a bar

 

Download the punchline for only 4.99

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?
A frustrated husband in front of his laptop:
dear google, please do not behave like my wife...
Please allow me to complete my sentence before you start guessing & suggesting
??

?
A married man's prayer;
Dear God, u gave me childhood, u took it away
U gave me youth, u took it away.
U gave me a wife.......... Its been years now,
just reminding u......??

?
??

?
Husband: I found Aladin's lamp today.
Wife: wow, what did u ask for darling??
Husband: I asked him to increase your brain ten times..
Wife: oh..jaan..luv u so much.. Did he do that??
Husband: He laughed and said multiplication doesn't apply on zero.

?
A man gifted his wife a diamond necklace for their anniversary 
and wife didn't speak to him for 6 months.
Was the necklace FAKE?
Nooooo! That was the deal :)
???

?
A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant.
As the food was served, the husband said, "the food looks delicious, let's eat."
Wife: honey.....you say prayer before eating at home.
Husband: that's at home sweetheart......here the chef knows how to cook.
???

LAST BUT THE BEST
?
Best Slogan on a
MAN's T-Shirt :
"Please Do Not Disturb me,
I am Married and already very Disturbed"
???

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rudrax you rock! :D

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Blessed Are The Red-Necked

“What’s wrong, Bubba?” asked the pastor.

“I need you to pray for my hearing,” said Bubba.

The pastor put his hands on 
Bubba’s ears and prayed. When he was done, he asked, “So how’s your hearing?”

“I don’t know,” said Bubba. “It isn’t until next Tuesday.”

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E-mail Addresses It Would Be Annoying To Give Out Loud

[email protected]

[email protected]

[email protected]

[email protected]

[email protected]

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An I.Q. Too High To Buy

A scientist tells a pharmacist, “Give me some prepared tablets of acetylsalicylic acid.”

“Do you mean aspirin?” asks the pharmacist.

The scientist slaps his forehead. “That’s it!” he says. “I can never 
remember the name.”

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Long time nothing new :(
 

Hey baby are you a Communist?

Because i can feel an uprising in my lower class.

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Okay I'll help too :)

 

Why can't dyslexics tell jokes?

They always punch up the fuckline.

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Give it to me, I'm so wet give it to me!

 

She could scream all she wanted but the umbrella was mine.

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Entrance to Heaven

Three men die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven, where they’re met by Saint Peter. “In order to get in,” he tells them, “you must each produce something representative of the holidays.”

The first man digs into his pockets and pulls out a match and lights it. “This represents a candle of hope.” Impressed, Peter lets him in.

The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them. “These are bells.” He’s allowed in too.

“So,” Peter says to the third man, “what do you have?”

The third man proudly shows him a pair of red panties.

“What do these have to do with Christmas?” asks Peter.

“They’re Carol’s.”

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A Failure to Communicate

A father shows up at his daughter’s home and finds his son-in-law angrily packing his bags.

“What’s wrong?” he asks.

“I texted my wife that I was coming home today from my golfing trip. And what did I find when I walked through the door? Her making out with Joe Murphy! I’m leaving!”

“Now, calm down,” says his 
father-in-law. “There must be a 
simple explanation. I’ll find out what happened.” Moments later, he reappears. “I told you there was a simple explanation, and there is,” he says. “She never got your text.”

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Long time, so...

 

A hot naked woman robbed a bank

 

Nobody could remember her face

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Posted (edited)

Back in January, a group of HELL’S ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.


George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked, "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . . why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
 
 
 
Edited by eyezonly
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Male logic... flawless


This a conversation between a man and his wife. Please note that she asks five or six questions which he answered quite simply,

but then she is speechless after answering only one question. l bet this happens more often than not to most husbands out there:

Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about three

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (this is where it gets scary!)

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have three beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately

$5400 correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000 correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account

and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought an airplane?


Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No.

Man: Where is your airplane?

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1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. 

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest..

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. 

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. 

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. 

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them. 

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. 

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first. 

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer. 

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries. 

14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark. 

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

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* Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

* Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

* I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

* If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

* I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

* When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

* A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

* Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

* America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

* You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

* Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

* My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

* I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

* Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.

* Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

* You're not fat, you're just.... easier to see.

* If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

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