[JOTD] Joke of the day

[tao]

55 minutes ago, Batu69 said:

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?

 

A: "It's nice, but can it pick up peanuts?" 

[tao]

Enjoy -- a few Moderator jokes: 

 

"A moderator has the last word in any argument.
Anything a member says after that is the beginning of a new argument."    

 

"Moderator on witness stand: " I didn't mean to shoot him. I thought the trigger was the Delete key." 

 

"Why do my posts always end the thread ..........Inquiring woo minds want to know." 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited June 13, 2017 by adi

[tao]

Two English gentlemen met at a bus stop. Trying to be friendly during their long wait, one asked the other, "Looks like will be here a while. Care to stop in that pub for a pint?"

The second gentlemen curtly replied, "I don't drink. I tried it once and didn't like it."

Undeterred, the first asked, "Well, I've got a couple of cigars here. Would you care for a smoke?"

Again the second man rebuffed him, "I don't smoke. Tried it once and didn't like it."

Determined to be sociable and ease the wait, the first asks the second, "So, do you have any children?"

The second man responded, "I have a son."

Quipped the first man, "An only child, I presume?"  

 

[tao]

How to browse forums at iNsane?:

 

Edited June 14, 2017 by adi

[lurch234]

[rudrax]

[JeffDunhill]

Two aliens are flying near earth
The first one says, "The dominant life form here have developed satellite based nuclear weapons."
The second one says, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first one says, "I don't think so, they have it aimed at themselves."

[vitorio]

13 hours ago, JeffDunhill said:

Two aliens are flying near earth
The first one says, "The dominant life form here have developed satellite based nuclear weapons."
The second one says, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"
The first one says, "I don't think so, they have it aimed at themselves."

I joke that tells the truth!

[rudrax]

[tao]

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength.

 

He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

 

After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

 

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.

 

Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

 

Edited June 24, 2017 by adi

[jabrwky]

On 5/2/2017 at 6:03 PM, Atasas said:

2. Unabhaengigkeitserklaerungen
Twain's frustrations with learning German are well documented in his book A Tramp Abroad. This term he notes as meaning "independencedeclarations" (sic), which is perhaps a parchment-saving way our own Declaration of Independence could have been titled.

German lends itself perfectly to many engineering propositions and machine constructions.

[Akaneharuka]

This is not what you things

 

 

 

[tao]

The cardiologist's diet:  If it tastes good spit it out.   ~ author unknown

[rudrax]

A cockroach's last words to @DKT27:

"Go ahead and kill me coward. You are just jealous that I make your wife scream more than you do."

[Batu69]

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: " Ehhtut-tut"
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

[tao]

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.

 

She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

 

[tao]

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding.

 

“But, Officer,” the man protested, “I can explain.”

 

“Be quiet,” ordered the officer. “You can sit in jail until the chief gets back.”

 

“But, sir, I just wanted to say—“

 

“I told you to stay quiet! You’re going to jail!”

 

A couple of hours later the officer checked in on the man and said, “You’re lucky that the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a great mood when he gets back.”

 

“I doubt that,” answered the prisoner. “I’m the groom.”

 

 

[tao]

Passport:

An old lady had always wanted to travel abroad. Now that she was getting on in years, she thought she would really like to do so before she died.

 

Until now, she'd never even been out of the country. So she began by going in person to the Passport Office and asking how long it would take to have one issued.

 

"You must take the loyalty oath first," responded the passport clerk. "Raise your right hand, please. "The old gal raised her right hand.

 

"Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all its enemies, domestic or foreign?" was the first question.

 

The little old lady's face paled and her voice trembled as she asked in a small voice, "Uhhh . . . all by myself?"

 

[tao]

I was walking down the mall with a friend yesterday when he turned to me and said, “Seeing all those flags on display makes me so proud of my country.”

“But Chan, you’re Chinese,” I replied, “All those flags are British.”

“No they’re not,” he laughed, “just take a look at those labels!”

[tao]

A man parked his car in the Red Square in Moscow.

 

A policeman rushed to him, shouting, "Are you crazy? Here is where the government is!"

 

"No problem," the man answered, "I've good locks in my car."

 

Edited July 1, 2017 by adi

[tao]

RCMP:

A canadian calls the RCMP "Hello is the the RCMP?? I'm calling about my neigbour Antoine Smith. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood!"

The next day the RCMP descends on Antoine's house and search the shed where the firewood is kept.

They bust open every piece of firewood, but find no marijuana. They apologize to Antoine and leave.

The phone rings at Antoine's..

"Hey Antoine, did the RCMP come to your house?"

"Yep"

"Did they chop all your firewood?"

"Yep"

"Happy Birthday Buddy!"

[Sylence]

Hi, I am an Albanian virus but because of poor technology in my country unfortunately I am not able to harm your computer. Please be so kind to delete one of your important files yourself and then forward me other users. Many thanks for your cooperation! Best regards, Albanian virus 

[Sylence]

I sexually identify as a single, Pringle, ready to mingle. Ever since I was a potato I dreamed of being thin sliced, covered in disgusting oil then heated in a medium oven until reaching climax at the micro second of golden-browness. People bully me, and say things like "what the fuck, you aren't a Pringle", but I know deep down they are just jealous of my inner beauty. I have already started hiding in cylinders all day, and now im improving my crunchiness by regularly burning my sides on the stove. I want you guys to respect my natural ability to instantly satisfy low salt carb cravings, and if you don't you are oppressing me, and you should check your diabetes type. Thank you for being so understanding.

[tao]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip.

 

After a good meal and a bottle of wine they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

 

What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."

[tao]

A young boy enters a barbershop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"