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[JOTD] Joke of the day


rudrax

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clubhouse

Two days into my diet I removed all the junk food from my house....

 

.....and it was delicious

 

 

 

A man is walking through a cemetery...

 


....when he sees a headstone that reads, "Here lies John, an honest man and a lawyer."

"How about that," he thinks. "Three men buried in one grave!"

 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Two men are climbing a mountain. One of them slips and falls.


"Oh my god are you alive?!? Can you hear me?!?"

-- "Yes, I'm alive."

"Did you break your legs?"

-- "No, my legs are fine."

"Did you break your arms?

-- "No, they're OK."

"Well, thank goodness, climb back up!"

-- "I can't."

"Why not?"

-- "I'm still falling."

 

Guy walks into a bar and promptly orders 12 shots of the best whiskey. As the bartender lines up the shot glasses and fills them, the man hurriedly begins downing each. With only a few shots left, the bartender asks, "Why are you drinking down all these in a row buddy?" He answered, "You would be too if you had what I had." "What do you have," asked the bartender as the patron downed the last shot. "Seventy-five cents," replied the man.

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Chuck Norris walks into a bar

The bar apologized.

 

Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room

The bear isn't dead it is just afraid to move.

 

There used to be a street called Chuck Norris

It was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

 

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3 hours ago, clubhouse said:

How did the WannaCry hackers get away?

 

They ransomware.

That is a good one!!!

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On April 18, 2013 at 11:13 PM, rudrax said:

Computer Diagnosis

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he m@sturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

Now he knows everything!!!

Edited by vitorio
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A wife said, "Do you see that drunk guy?". The husband said, "Yes. Who is he?". The wife said, "He proposed to me 10 years ago and I rejected him." The husband said...

 

 

"Oh my God! He's still celebrating."

 

 

 

 

How would you know if someone uses Linux-GNU?


Don't worry, they will tell you:lol:

Edited by clubhouse
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When you see lovers names carved into a tree,


Do you think that's sweet, or do you worry that people bring knives on dates.

 

 

 

What did the sign say at the nude beach during off season?

 

Sorry, were clothed.

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JeffDunhill

My wife left me because I am too insecure.
Never mind, she was just picking up some groceries.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you're alive?


I just did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again.

Edited by JeffDunhill
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What is the difference between unlawful and illegal?


Unlawful = Against the law

Illegal = A sick bird
 

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straycat19

What did Donald Duck say to the prostitute?

 

Just put it on my bill.

 

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I went for a run , but came home back after 2 minutes because I forgot something

 

 

I forgot that I was fat and couldn't run for more than 2 minutes.

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There was a Wedding Night Sex discussion going on in an office:


The CEO proudly said, "I did it 7 times with my wife on my wedding night many years back." 


The Manager next to him said, "I did it 6 times before going to sleep 1st night." 


All turned towards a fresher clerk & asked how many times did he do it on his wedding night. 


The clerk replied, "Only once sir." 
The CEO laughed n asked WHY
The clerk replied, "My wife wasn't used to it sir!" 


Pin drop silence ????

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In Notre Dame a man with a hammer in hand shouted "This is for Syria" and the police shot him...
 Bit harsh for a wrongly delivered Screwfix (on line tool-shop) order.
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Unnecessary posts has been removed.


On topic:

 

A 3 years old boy sits near a pregnant woman.
Boy: Why do you look so fat?
Pregnant woman: I have a baby inside me.
Boy: Is it a good baby?
Pregnant woman: Yes, it is a very good baby.
Boy: Then why did you eat it?!

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8 minutes ago, Batu69 said:

Unnecessary posts has been removed.


On topic:

 

What is the most common pregnancy craving?
For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

 

Girlfriend: Baby, I'm pregnant. What do you want it to be?
Boyfriend: A joke.

 

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1 hour ago, Akaneharuka said:

DB4MFBgXcAA7U7G.jpg

That man piss but if woman piss not in YouTube :lmao: 


Teacher: "Name a bird with wings but can't fly."
Student: "A dead bird, sir."

 

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?

A. "How do you breathe through something so small?"

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